#IKB: I Know Better...Fear

I am my own worst enemy.  I sabotage myself all the time, and the worst part of it all is that I oftentimes have very good "reasons" for it.  It is the worst form of cowardice..."justified" cowardice.  It requires that I blame others, my life, my job, my circumstances, instead of taking a deep, powerful, and, yes, terrifying look inside myself.  I am a grown man capable of working for what I want.  I have people tell me all the time that they believe in me, so why doesn't that translate into personal belief?

I can't answer that.  As such, I am going to launch a new blogging project for 2018.  For those longtime followers, you may remember the "promises" I made to myself a couple of years back.  This project is similar but with a different focus.  I'll lay it out for you.

The new project is called "I Know Better."  Every two weeks I will work toward identifying something about my life that needs improvement or correction that is the result of a faulty belief.  I do a lot of things in my life that "I know better," and it is time I stop it if I want to live the life I want to lead.  I must live presently enough to understand myself a little bit better and I must work to choose to live differently.  Now, I am hoping for some of these changes to become permanent changes for me and my family.  I'm hoping to start to make a difference in my attitude, my circumstances, and my spirit.  That's the point of the project, but there is also the blog.

The blog is the accountability portion of the assignment.  It will keep me honest in trying to deal with these changes I am starting to make and communicate it outwardly to those around me.  I'm hoping that this kind of public naming will allow me to be held accountable personally.

So...the first #IKB?  Fear.  I need to stop living in fear of failure.  I have had a small business idea for at least two years now, but I have never pulled the trigger on it.   I may have missed my window, but I won't know until I try, so I am going to go out there and give it a go.  I will be posting more about this soon.

The second part of my fear of failure has to do with my creative life.  I have been failing as a writer because I fear I have lost too much time, stayed away for too long, or I just fear I might not have the talent in the first place.  I can't mess around with that line of thinking anymore.  I want to see my creative projects take flight.  I want to work toward something real.  I have things to say that I want to see put out there in the world, so I am going to start writing again.

The final component of my IKB is confronting my fear of failure as it relates to my family.  I am so afraid of failing in my duties as a husband and a father that I don't take the next step.  The problem with this is that I wind up beating myself up about it and becoming a kind of miserable sot for them to be around.  Either way, I'm not doing anyone any favors right now.  I am sitting in a creative slump because I'm worried about what "might" happen if I try.

I need to be done with that.  I will be done with that.  I am setting this course for 2018, and I am keeping my sights set high.  It needs to happen, and I NEED to be the one to make it happen.  So, for these first weeks of 2018, I say "I know better than to be paralyzed by fear."

Writer's Note: I Really Am Thick

I am so thick it is laughable.  Honestly, if it didn't cause me so much pain, I'd laugh too.  In fact, when I finally am able to learn something, I often do laugh at myself.  I am so consistently wrong that it amazes me that I still often think I am right.

Where is this coming from?  

You have "The Incredible Jessica James" to blame.  

I watched this movie tonight, which is about a playwright in NYC, and there is a scene in the movie that just blew my mind tonight.  The problem is that it is so simple that I felt like an idiot when I had my AHA moment.  

The premise for the scene is this:

Jessica meets her longtime playwright idol at a weekend retreat.  Before introducing herself by name, she gushes over the artist.  When the artist finally gets her calmed down, Jessica asks her a question, a sincere question, a question that many artists wonder about/ask.  

"When do you know you've made it?"

The playwright replies, "I'll let you know when I get the memo."

Jessica replies, "But you won a Tony..."

After a short give or take, the playwright gestures around to signify the weekend retreat they are on, and she says, "Isn't that what we're doing this weekend?"

For me, my heart finally broke of many of these crazy illusions about success, the writing life, etc.  I just...stopped.  It was so simple.  It was so easy.  I couldn't believe how thick I had been.  

As I sit here and write this post, I'm a writer.  I've arrived.  I'm here doing the work, and that's it.  I enjoy being able to write in my own voice to an audience.  That's it.  That's the pleasure.  Everything else is...everything else.  

P.S.  I enjoyed "The Incredible Jessica James".  Jessica Williams is just about as charming as they come.  Thank you, Jim Strouse for your body of incredible work.  I have just now realized how much I enjoy his films.  Check out his IMDB profile here.

Man Note: Love's Cowardice

Thanks for the quote, Bob Marley!!!

I'm a monster.

My love makes me a monster.

My use of love for my own purposes makes me a monster.

This post is going to be hard for me, but it is one that I must finish.  Before I begin, let me emphatically state that this post is about me and my capacity for love, and NOT the objects of my love.  This is an introspection and not an accusation.  In my recent self-evaluation, I've been looking at my behaviors and trying to find things I can improve on, ways of getting out of my own way.

In evaluating myself, I came to a realization about my roles, which is largely the reason I started this blog.

I am a husband and a father.  These are two of the biggest roles I have ever taken on in my life, but I have been abusing my roles.  It is a two-fold abuse.  I have been abusing myself in my roles and I have been abusing my loved ones.  I use the word abuse because it is accurate, it conveys what it is I mean to say, but it makes me wildly uncomfortable.

I have willingly chosen my roles, but lately I have been using my roles as a way of excusing myself from my life as opposed to a way of enriching my life.  I have put the anchor of "responsibility" so heavily around my neck that I have had very little room for anything else.  Instead of seeing my marriage and my child as the blessings that they are, I have used them as a downer, an excuse for not living up to my potential.  I have shouldered myself with the burden of doing all things for them.

What is funny about this, is that I have probably been at my least helpful during this phase.  I have been surly, combative, and depressed.  I have not engaged in my normal activities with the family.  I have stayed away instead of joining them in activities.  I have buried myself in work and called it "working for my family" when it has been doing anything but "working for my family."

This quote is for my family.  They don't deserve my disrespect.

I have been burdening myself with an over-proportioned sense of responsibility.  The sun and the moon do not rise and fall because of me.  I am not responsible for all things.  I can do what I can do, and that's about it.  I have been abusing myself with my inflated sense of responsibility and its been crippling.

I mentioned the flip side of this inflated sense of responsibility earlier.  I've been surly, combative, and depressed.  The depression has caused me to want to place blame.  I've been silently blaming my family for my actions, and the sheer injustice of this does not escape me.  It is so unfair to them that I have been projecting my sour feelings on to them.  Most of the time, they don't have any idea as to why I am so surly.  This realization has been one of the hardest for me to deal with.  The thought of causing my loved ones pain, and all because I've been struggling with my self is horrifying to me.

But this isn't about making myself feel bad for past sins, it is about moving past this depressed phase and getting my feet underneath me.

So here's where I stand on this: I've been a coward.  I've used my love as a way of avoiding risk, of avoiding myself, and I vow to stop.  I vow to use my love relationships as a way of filling my cup instead of capping it.  I vow to treat my loved ones in the way they deserve to be treated.  I vow to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated.

And I vow to take a pin to my inflated sense of responsibility when it gets out of control.

It's going to be hard work, but I want this.  I want it a lot.  I deserve it, and my family deserves it.

For now, I simply ask their forgiveness.  And patience as I work through this.

Another piece of wisdom from Gandhi.

Personal Note: What Vacation Teaches Me

The View from my cabin at Odell Lake

I just got back from a short 4-day vacation at Shelter Cove Resort at Odell Lake in central Oregon.  It was 4 days without cell service, without alarm clocks, without commutes, work days, and all the accoutrement that goes with the modern life.  Here are 3 things I was able to take away from those 4 days.

1. No one but me will defend my time.

I need downtime.  Everyone does.  But I am terrible at protecting myself and insulating myself from the pressures of work.  I almost always say "yes" to requests from work, and it is starting to become a barrier to my own personal desires and the relationships with my family.  When I did some poking around and reading about work/life balance and overworking, I ran into this quote:

We often hear of people breaking down from overwork, but in nine out of ten they are really suffering from worry or anxiety. - John Lubbock

This is very much true for me.  I have a tendency to put off my personal desires in pursuit of work, or of tending to my family, which is not to place blame on them.  It is a character fault of my own.  I need to be a better defender of my own time and to be more disciplined in accomplishing my own goals.  

This is the first lesson.

2. Reading is still one of my favorite pasttimes.

I finished a book and a half in the 4 days I was on vacation.  It was marvelous.  Almost every morning I awoke before the others in the cabin.  I turned on the coffee pot and sat with my book.  I pounded through the last half of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck and I almost got all the way through One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories by B.J. Novak.  

It takes me back to grad school where my advisor, John Rember, once told me, to paraphrase, that "the writing life looks like sheer idleness from the outside."  When I spend 4 days in the woods reading and ruminating, I feel like I've gotten something done.  I feel like I can breathe and work and create.  

In the time I spent in the large windows of the cabin, bathed in morning light, I came up with a couple of new ideas for the TV series I am writing. I got myself unlocked from a plot thread that had me pinned for a moment, and I was able to actually dedicate a portion of my mental real estate to my own creative endeavors.  The words of others help me with this.  Reading helps me with this.  Being submerged in the waters of others' creative works gives me hope that my own creativity has a place in the world.  

3. Sleep is my friend.

I'm a terrible sleeper.  Well, once I'm sleeping I'm fine, but I am a terrible self-manager when it comes to putting myself to bed.  I can distract myself with this, that, or the other for hours on end in the wee hours when the rest of my family sleeps.  I used to think this was my most creative time, but I am slowly learning that this is probably not the case.  

Many times, I will find myself distracted by the television, by the internet, by a stiff cocktail, or any number of other things.  What I need to be doing is putting myself to bed so that I wake recharged with the energy to dedicate to my own creative endeavors.  

Self-care...not my strong suit.

I have an eye mask that I know works to put me to sleep, as well as some lavender pillow spray that helps me fall down into sleep, but I don't use them.  I somehow allow myself to engage in "mindless idleness" instead of "mindful idleness."  It's time to change the way I behave in order to encourage more of the latter.  In fact, that may just be my next blog post..."Mindless Idleness vs. Mindful Idleness."  More on that soon.

So, for me, next steps are to remember my lessons, to rededicate myself to the process of working hard for a creative life, which sometimes means indulging in pure idleness.  Thanks, John Rember, for the permission.

Personal Notes: Principled Pleasures vs. Pleasure as Principle

Image Sourced From all-free-download.com

As a result of reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by blogger Mark Manson, I've been thinking about the idea of pleasure lately.  Pleasure is a large word to throw out there, but I will be using it in this blog post to address physical pleasures (i.e. food, drink, sex, etc).  In reading Manson's book, I've been thinking about pleasure in relationship to entitlement, a word that gets thrown around a lot these days, and I think I've stumbled upon something that helps me clarify the "issue" of pleasure for myself personally.  It all hinges on the use of the word "principle."

A principle is the building block, or foundation, or a system of belief.  In mulling over the idea of pleasure, I found myself using this word in a couple of different ways, and I decided that I'm going to start using the metric of "principled pleasure" in my personal life.  I need to work on striving for "principled pleasures" as opposed to using pleasure as a principle.  Here's how I seem them as being different.

A person who uses pleasure as a principle is looking to achieve pleasure, in all its myriad forms, as a moral "good."  He/She is looking to achieve pleasure as a result or outcome of action.  By using pleasure as a principle, it is then easy to choose any action that results in action, no matter if that action is good or bad.   It sets the end result as priority over the evaluation of the individual action.  By using this framework for decision making, one could justify any number of actions as long as it lead to the end result...pleasure.  I'm uncomfortable with this framework, and I believe it leads to sloppy decision making.

In contrast, if one is seeking "principled pleasures," then one is seeking to prioritize individual principles as a basis for achieving pleasure.  The moral "good" in the eyes of the individual becomes of greater importance than the outcome.  It is only through the choice of the moral principle that one would be able to achieve pleasure.  One would feel good about decision making, and, therefore, achieve the feeling of pleasure one is seeking.

Some practical examples are necessary here.

1. The lawn needs mowed (unpleasurable).  The completion of necessary maintenance of the house, the chipping in of time/effort on communal household chores, and the desire to be physically active are all principles the individual holds. Choosing the easy pleasure of an afternoon spent "Netflix and chilling" would be more pleasurable than mowing the lawn, but upholding the individual's principles provides a deeper more sustained pleasure than the easy, passive pleasure of streamed entertainments.
2. Having a drink after work provides pleasure at the end of a long shift.  It is the culmination of a day's work, but returning home and spending time with family is a principle the individual holds.  While it is easy to write off the post-work drink as "harmless" and "earned," the prolonged satisfaction of having a close knit family and spending time with loved ones trumps the easy pleasure.

These are two simply examples of the distinction in action.  Holding this framework for decision making will help any individual (but especially me) become better at accomplishing life goals and living a life that fulfills in the long term and not simply in the short term.  

Manson's book is challenging my basic precepts.  I'm starting to look at my life in a new way that is reminiscent of some of the best times of my life.  I've been lazy in my thinking (or lack thereof) and I need to continue to challenge myself in order to achieve the quality of life I desire.  

I sat down today to blog about my thoughts, even though the easier pleasure would have been to simply pick up my book and continue reading.  I hold creativity as a life principle.   It is something I always want to have present in my life.  So...instead of making a sandwich and curling up with a book, I've set myself in front of the computer and written this blog post.  It is much more satisfying.  By living the principle I set for myself, I was able to achieve a deeper sense of pleasure in my day.  By living my standards, instead of flauting them, I was able achieve a sense of satisfaction that otherwise wouldn't have been present.

I'm beginning to think I'm on the right track here.

Man Notes: The Days Since

My Agent for Change

It has been a couple of days since I last posted here, where I revealed a personal truth about myself, about my enduring depression, and it's been a couple of hard days.  My work life is at the peak of our high season, with lots of additional responsibility coming down the pipe.  It has also been a time of doubling down on my new outlook.  I've decided to "not a give a fuck" in the way Mark Manson discusses it in his book.  I've decided to get out of my "Feedback Loop from Hell" as Manson calls it.
I'll give you a couple of scenarios.  First, I was covering vacation for a coworker.  I was in an environment that was out of my ordinary.  Then, the systems in place to make the place run smoothly broke down.  All kinds of problems arose from this situation.  I don't want to go into specifics as that would be an inappropriate use of this blog.  Basically, what happened was that I was forced to either let these things get to me, or to "not give a fuck."  I chose the latter.  I had to actively choose to not let other people's drama affect me personally.  My job is my job.  It is the mechanism that provides for my family, for the things I love to do, and I need to stop taking everything in my professional life personally.

The other part of this is that I've chosen to use my free time better.  I choose to not simply wile away my free time on my phone playing silly games.  I choose to feed my brain, to feed my heart, to feed my soul.  As the first crusted layers peel away from my unused heart, I find myself having a deeper sense of forgiveness, of trust, of love.

Lately, I've felt a sense of amnesia.  A sense of not remembering myself and my life, and this "amnesia" has left me disconnected from parts of myself that are, and remain, important to me.  In an effort to remember myself, I've also been listening to music through an iPod.  I've been digging through albums from the 90's, and it has reminded my of my earlier self in ways that don't feel melancholy and saccharine, but in ways the feel important, like remembering my own identity.

In the end, the greatest agent for change is my own family.  My wife and my daughter remain the best motivators for being true to myself, to being my better self.  Working around the house more assuages my guilt for not being a better partner to Tracy.  Spending some time with my daughter teaching her how to draw connects me to my creative loving self, and shows me why art is important in all its forms.

It's been a busy couple of days.  A good couple of days.

Man Notes: Unintentionally Intentionally Miserable

Life is good when working from the patio.

It's been months since I've posted here, and I can tell you exactly why.  I've been silently, ashamedly unintentionally intentionally miserable.  The last year has seen me working against myself in almost every single way imaginable.  I have been doing NOTHING for myself.  I've been working as little as possible on the things I want, on the things that bring me joy, and I've been slowly dragging myself down into the pits of depression.  

Recently, some people have been reposting a former post from this blog.  It is a post about moving past grief, and it was a piece written from personal insight about depression.  When the post made its way around Facebook, I was forced to go back and reread it.  I wondered what made this one blog post stand out to my family and friends.  I am so glad that I read it.  It may have just saved me from many more months of depression.  

Today?  Today I am feeling better.  The reason for this?  Choosing.  Choosing small moments, small ways in which to participate in my life.  I've been a lazy slug around the house lately, blaming my work life for my level of participation in the house.  The other day, without being asked, I came home and mowed the lawn.  That's how deep into my depression I had sunk.  Mowing the lawn was a BIG deal for me a couple of weeks back even.  I was engrained into the couch, unmoving, unmotivated, and slowly wasting away.  Today?  Today I am feeling better.

So, what have been some of the other remedies to getting out of depression?  

1. Making more time for the things I care about.

2. Making more time for me.

3. Actively choosing to get out there and do things I love, or talking to people I love.

I've been to Powell's bookstore twice in the last week.  I've finished one and a half books in the last week, and I am feeling invigorated.  The book I am reading right now is for sure helping me.

This book is not about being dispassionate and indifferent.  On the contrary, it is about accepting pain as the agent of change.  It's about choosing the pain you want, the pain you can sustain, because it is the pathway to the change you want to enact in the world.  I got it yesterday and I'm already almost a 1/4 of the way through it.  Every now and again you get the message you need in the moment that you need it.

Another book that reignited me was "Waiter Rant."  This book felt like looking into a mirror for me, and I am so grateful that I found it. 

The last two days have truly felt like a turning point for me, and I am excited to see where my new choices will take me.