Man Notes: Former NFL Lineman Joe Ehrmann

I'm fascinated by the idea of modern masculinity.  The idea appears again and again in this blog, but it also appears repeatedly in my fiction.  Even when I'm working through an idea that is, at least on the surface, not about this theme, it finds a way to exist in between the lines of my creative work.

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On my way home yesterday, I had the pleasure of listening to an interview with Joe Ehrmann, former defensive lineman for the Colts.  He had some fascinating views about masculinity, sports, and spirituality.  The interview began with a quick mention of the three words most men have encountered throughout their lives, "Be a man."  These words, while often used as a way of trying to salve, or suppress, an emotional moment, often find a way to lock men into a box.

The interview quickly expanded to include three lies of masculinity: "athletic ability, sexual conquest, and economic success."  He goes on to talk about how culture sends messages to men about these three categories of life and prioritizes them in destructive ways, especially in the modern era of social media and internet and access.  He speaks about the dearth of "moral clarity and moral courage" and links this back to the Steubenville rape case.  While I assume he understands and deplores the heinous nature of the crime, he expands his analysis of the situation to include the people not directly connected to the crime that occurred that night, but to those complicit in either covering up or advancing the scope of the crime through the sharing of pictures and tweets in the case.  He points to these actions and, rightfully, attaches them to a lack of "moral clarity and moral courage" in the larger community.

When asked directly about what masculinity is, he responds by saying, "It can only be defined by two things.  One, it is your capacity to love and to be loved.  Masculinity ought to be defined in terms of relationships.  Second thing it ought to be defined by commitment to a cause.  That all of us have a responsibility to give back, to make the world more fair, more just, more hospitable for every human being."

This interview brought me an overabundance of comfort for many reasons.  The first is that I wholeheartedly believe in Ehrmann's message.  The second is that Ehrmann speaks with real credibility for men who have a predisposition to the "lies" he mentioned earlier, specifically to the lies of athletic ability and economic success.  I'm always seeking role models in the world, men who stand as positive forces within the world and actively demonstrate the full spectrum of what it means to be a man.

At times, media feels like a cyclops, a singularly-visioned creature that can't see in dimension, in depth.  I applaud NPR, All Things Considered, and Joe Ehrmann for putting this discussion out into the world.  At the end of a long work day and after allowing the interview to wash over me, I felt affirmed and contemplative in all the best sense of the word.  Media reflected something back to me that felt authentic and sincere, which is too infrequently the case.

The discussion is happening out there.  We just need to find it.  I realize now that All Things Considered is doing an entire series on Men in America, and I can't wait to catch up on streaming segments that will, hopefully, allow me to hear a spectrum of voices on the subject of modern masculinity.  A good song possesses more than one note, and a discussion of a complex topic like this requires a range of notes, a choir of voices, in order to bring the richness and vibrancy it demands out into the world.

Again, thanks to all the contributors and producers for making this happen.  If Joe Ehrmann intrigues you, you might think about picking up his book.

Man Notes: Chopping Onions (I'm Not Crying)

In the past six months I've been in the position where I've cried publicly.  Both situations were at the funerals of family members where I served as officiant, but it has caused me to think about the cultural conditions of men's tears.

Graphic provided by the Good Men Project

Historically, men shedding tears didn't carry the stigma it does in the modern day.  There are biblical references to tears, samurai cried over tragedies, and even Abraham Lincoln knew how to strategically shed a tear for rhetorical effect.  The history of manhood does not come at the expense of tears. In fact, in some cultures, it was seen as honest for a principled man to cry as a sign of his disappointment with the world's spiritual failings.

Within the last century or so (I'm not a historian), the masculine ideal has been radically transformed.  In some corners it is no longer acceptable for a man to cry, even under the most extreme circumstances.  The stoic male has been elevated to an unsustainable standard, and many men feel trapped by the shaming feminization they receive as the result of having an honest and sincere moment.

In thinking about this topic, I stumbled upon "Mann on Men" at the website askmen.com.  First off, the website operates under the banner, "Become a Better Man."  This implies that the website is looking to make men into a better form of themselves, but I quickly drew offense to the type of man they were wanting me to become.  For instance, here's a gem I found in the article "Mann on Men: Crying":

"Women need to cry because it isn’t exactly ladylike to punch a hole in a wall. It’s the only way a woman can show real emotion and still remain a woman. Men can get physical. Men can break things. Sure it’s Neanderthal and barbaric, but it’s the way men do business."

My first thought was, "Is this for real?"  The list of offensive ideas in this segment almost outweigh the number of sentences in the segment itself.  I refuse to believe that the only real and legitimate outlet for a man's overwhelming emotions is violence and destruction.  This hyper-masculine ideal is poisonous to young men and, without the help of a real mentor or role model, causes many perfectly well-adjusted boys to begin to self-shame when they have an emotion that might threaten to overwhelm them.  It's hard to believe that violence and destruction, even if aimed at inanimate objects, is seen as being less "costly" to a man's well-being than the honest expression of an emotion.

Breaking down at my uncle's service.  Can't point the finger and absolve myself at the same time.

Mr. Mann goes on to offer a neat little trick that should help those men caught in a weak moment from allowing their emotions to get away from them.  He writes:

"Disconnect from everything emotional and take big, deep breaths. If that doesn’t work, picture the hottest broad you’ve ever been with buck naked on roller skates. If that don’t cheer you up, you’ve got a rough spot ahead."

Sage advice, right?  I love how the ideas of violence and sex are the only two ways in which a man can come to control himself.  This advice is about as dated as "think about baseball during sex to avoid orgasm."  Men have to come to understand that they are allowed to be complete and whole beings with a rich emotional life.  Just because they are men does not close the door on the entirety of the emotional spectrum.  In fact, it is my belief that we need to allow them even greater access to it in order to avoid emotional disorders that are sometimes more often associated with masculinity like violence and substance abuse.

Now, does this mean that men should cry at the drop of a hat?  No, I don't think anyone, male or female, should cry at every possible situation that causes discomfort or emotional distress.  We are all required to comport ourselves with a degree of composure.  Crying isn't masculine or feminine, it simply is a part of being an emotional creature.  In researching different aspects of masculine crying, I ran into this guy again.  I enjoy his satirical take on the issue.  In fact, I don't think it even needs to be all that serious of an issue.  I think we can have a good time and still address the stereotypes that constrict masculinity in a positive way.

In that way, I turn you over to two of my favorite comedians, The Flight of the Conchords:

In the end, I think men and women should allow themselves permission to cry in emotionally overwhelming situations.  We all bear the responsibility of maintaining our own emotional well-being, and sometimes that means having a good cry.  Don't let the shamers get you down, but, also, don't let your emotions get away from you either.  As with most things, there is an appropriate middle ground we all need to strive for.

Male Teacher Teaching Feminism in the Classroom

I love addressing the issue of Feminism in my classroom.  It often sponsors some of the best dialogue throughout the entire term.  As such, I usually poke around for the Feminist issue of the day in preparation for class discussion.  Today, when I searched "Men's Issues" on Google News to cover the "other side," I discovered the following infographics.

These infographics are meant to help us decide if we are a feminist or not.  The first one is meant to be comical and to open the door to people who might be real reluctant on this issue.

Infographic courtesy of The Guardian's Emer O'Toole

The next is meant to address the complexity of feminism with a bit more realism.

Infographic courtesy of The Guardian's Emer O'Toole

I like the second one quite a bit, especially the responses to the middle box on the left.  It shows that there are multiple ways of "seeing" feminism, and this is much the same response I get in the classroom.  People possess all kinds of views toward gender equality, and it is often hard to get them to address them in public.

Early in any conversation I host around gender equality, I usually wind up asking, "Who here considers themselves a feminist?"  The number of hands in the air is usually in the single digits.  The first time this happened I was shocked, but I found that it wasn't that people were against feminism, but they often had misconceived ideas of what feminism was.

A good Feminism text for Beginners by Sally J. Scholz

After the first couple of times of lecturing my students after the meager response to "Who here is a feminist," I began asking students to define feminism for me.  This is a casual brainstorm where I right terms and phrases on the board for everyone to read.  Students simply call out their associations and I write until I get a pretty good response set.

Once the board has a number of different associations, we begin to address these ideas one by one.  I've found it to be the most useful exercise in teaching any form of equality.  I do the same thing with civil rights, race, marriage equality, etc.  Those hot button issues that are sometimes scary for teachers to address.

Instead of lecturing, of revealing your own politics, ask the students to reveal theirs.  Give them the safe place in which to analyze their assumptions, and you'll often find that some of the students leave with a somewhat clarified expression of their own beliefs.

Me Lecturing.  Oops!

For teachers, it isn't about making sure students adopt our politics, it's about making them take a moment to analyze their own and understand why they feel the way they feel on certain issues.  It's taken me a long time to come to this point...6 years, and I'm still improving on it, but it feels right when I hear students expressing themselves about complicated issues.  I simply have to remember to get out of the way and mediate the conversation so it doesn't get heated, to clarify points that may have been stated poorly, or to force a student to examine a presupposition of their own line of thinking.  Oftentimes, they even force me to analyze my own.

I consider myself a feminist.  Proudly so.  Some may argue that a man shouldn't be teaching Feminism in the classroom, but I would argue that students need to see BOTH men and women addressing the issue, even if they come at it from different angles.