Dichotomy of Days

Today has been a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. I finished my final packet for the semester last night and I sealed it up and sent it off this morning. I should have my advisor's comments by the beginning of next week. Also, I am almost done with the end of semester evaluation busy work and it feels good to feel caught up, or at least at the end of a sprint. I have been running/pushing so hard all semester that I feel like I get to take a victory lap at the end of a long and arduous road. The morning went quickly and I felt warm and contented with myself.

Then, the phone rang.

Due to a crisis at Tracy's work, she is going to have to work from the office more and the change needs to be implemented pretty rapidly. This means that our carefully laid plans have been thrown into upheaval and we are now having to work logistics on how we are going to work and take care of Shea. It's stressful. Neither of us wants Shea to be raised by strangers and so we are having to find ways to work it out. Quickly.

When I got the phone call, I felt the iron clench of a stress trap clamping down on my throat and my hair felt tingly, like there was something here I wasn't seeing. It is an easy recourse for me to get stressed out these days and I really tried to pull up the reins on it this time. Maybe it was the afterglow of submitting my packet, maybe not, I don't know but I like to think that I stayed pretty calm through the discussion and Tracy and I decided to talk tonight.

Now, three phone calls later that have varied from we need to send Shea to daycare, to you can ask your work to go to part-time, to no, you have to stay at your job full time, to we will discuss the part-time thing when you get home.

I can't tell you what a thrill it would be for me to be a part-time employee here and then be a stay at home dad for Shea the rest of the time. I am ecstatic about the idea but, also, I am trying not to fly over the moon just yet because there are a lot of variables that have yet to work themselves out.

I have to find out IF I can go to part time in my job, IF I can pick up a regular shift at the bar, IF we can afford this, and a couple of other things. At this point, I have been in this bullshit job for three years and I have hated since four months in. I initially stayed because I didn't want it to look bad on my resume, then I stayed because I was making good money and it was helping me pay for a wedding, a house, and our new baby. Now, I really don't have an excuse. I think it takes more out of my spiritually than it provides me fiscally.

So, tonight we will discuss what is to come. I'm hoping for calm tones, passionate variables and, in the end, mutual agreement. We shall see. Either way, today has been an up, then a down, then an up, and the ending has yet to be written.