Smoke "Break"

I've been smoking again.

Anything I can say beyond that is simple excuse, but I've stumbled upon a new thought that I feel has some merit.  Why am I smoking?  Well, that's the big question isn't it?  I have a couple of lame reasons I can think of, but I've found one that I believe actually has some merit.

I haven't had any alone time in a long time.  I've had time alone late at night, hours between 10 and 2 am where I'm left alone in the living room of my house, but even those hours have been spent in service of others.  I go to work, I come home to family and family time, and then I rededicate myself to the needs of students, of the schools I work for, etc.  I don't take time off for myself as an individual.

That's not true when I smoke.  When I'm smoking I step outside.  I look at the stars.  I come up with new ideas for stories and for poems, for essays, for lesson plans, for vacations, for memories and dreams.  It's an entirely selfish pursuit.  It's destructive and selfish, but it's mine.  These moments are my own and I don't feel like I owe those moments to anyone but myself.  I relish each drag, and I meditate in a way.

I'm not good at "no."  Never have been.  I concern myself with the needs of others.  I've always played the backstories of others in my head.  It's empathy.  I feel what they feel and this often results in me not allowing myself to feel what I feel.  I know how self-centered this sounds, how self-serving, but I'm trying to be honest about the impulse, about where I'm coming from.  I need these moments.  I don't need the cigarettes, but I need these moments where I can go out and be a person, an individual, where I don't feel my heartstrings being pulled by someone else's needs, someone else's demands.

I love.  This is the greatest blessing I have in my life.  It's also my greatest curse.  I love people who treat me well.  I love people who treat me poorly.  I love people I've known for years.  I love people I met 20 minutes ago.  It's always been this way for me.  It results in all kinds of complications and smoking is simply one of them.

For those with a "if you want to quit, quit" attitude, this sounds like a self-justification.  I understand that.  But this is also the reality of being me.  I won't say "no" when others need me.  I simply won't.  So, I use the "need" for a cigarette to make the excuse for me.  I use the cigarette to step outside and stand under the stars.  In those moments after midnight, when I'm outside by myself while I know others are near, I watch the smoke leave my lips and rise into the darkness of night.  The wisps rise into the dark and catch the breeze.  If you listen closely, you'll hear the message in the smoke.  It will be a whisper, a breath,  and it will sound like "please."

***Let it be understood that I know EXACTLY who my audience is: family and friends.  I know you'll all have a desire to talk to me about this issue.   For now, I ask that you leave me to my struggle.  Leave those admonitions and concerns for another day.  I am aware of everything you can possible say, another "gift" of my empathy, and I tell you I will fight back.