Going Back to Basics

I've been away from my computer, more or less, for two weeks.  I haven't really been responding to emails unless they've been urgent.  I haven't been trolling Facebook much, and I've been ignoring my phone as much as possible.  This is all an effort to get back to basics.  I've been monitoring three email accounts for four years now, one from each of the schools I worked at and one personal address.  This makes for a lot of time spent in front of the computer and NOT writing.  It's been great to get out of that mode.

The thing I did notice about it though was that I was still having trouble coming back to the page.  Each time I sat down to write, I was overwhelmed with the personal relationships in my life.  There's been family illness on both sides of the family, some friends from work have been dealing with heavy life-altering issues, and I've just been unplugged from a lot of my other friends, which causes me to think after them.

In short, the personal was getting in the way of the creative.  I couldn't move into the creative space because the issues of the day were standing between me and the kind of unfettered, meditative thinking I need to create whole cloth fiction.  So, I needed to do something about this.  It's been going on for days, and I had to take action.  What did I do?  I got back to basics.

My writing practice originated when I was young and I often wrote letters to the people in my life in order to tame the feelings of childhood and adolescence.  I decided to take on this task today.  I wrote five letters today in greeting cards.  I hand wrote each of them as I sat in my living room and I will deliver them in the coming days.  I already delivered one to my father for a belated Father's Day celebration.  In the morning, my wife will find a pastel purple envelope peeking out at her from the corner of her purse.  Two coworkers will find letters tacked to the board at work, and my wife's Uncle Bill will receive one when we arrive in Bend. 

It is cathartic to tell friends and family how you feel.  It takes a certain emotional burden off the writer's shoulders to know that you've taken care of your affairs.  The poet Madeline DeFrees once talked about having to "clear the decks" before she could write.  She would tidy up her home and have to get everything put away.  She began to recognize this as a part of her process and she knew a poem was coming.  I feel similarly in that I've "cleared the decks" of my mental real estate.  I've made room for something new and exciting to enter.  I have a blank greeting card next to me, so don't be surprised if the next greeting card lands on your doorstep.  I'm looking to make room because I know there's a story waiting to be born.

Limitless Desire

The gaping maw of free time is quickly approaching as spring term comes to a close, and it has gotten me thinking about what I want from this newfound freedom.  The answer is everything.  My downfall has never been my lack of interest in the world, but an overabundance of it.  I want to know everything.  I want to experience everything I can in this life because I know it is so short.  The result is an overabundance of desire.

I desire a consistent writing practice.  I want to read voraciously.  I want to train for a duathalon.  I want to spend time with my family.  I want to run through the sprinklers with my daughter.  I want to take Spanish classes, voice lessons, guitar lessons, and dance classes with my wife.  I want to go fishing and camping.  I want to hike the Pacific Crest Trail.  I want to travel to British Columbia, New Zealand, Vietnam, and Africa.  I want more time for intimacy with my wife.  I want to write letters to friends and to have long phone conversations with them.  I want to catch up on my Netflix queue.  I want to go to live theater.  I want to perform live theater.  I want all of these things and more.  I yearn for all of these things, and it sometimes paralyzes me.

The thing I understand about myself is that all of these things come from the same place, a place of love.  I love the world too much and, like a lover, I want to know every inch of the world and this lovely life we are given.  I want to explore it, to revel in all the pleasures and pains a close intimacy brings.  In the meantime, I have to pick.  

I've never been good at picking.

But I know I must, so I choose writing/reading, family, and travel for now.  These are the things I will actively pursue through the summer months.  I will work to deepen my connections to these people and practices and leave the others to the future.  I'm not giving up on any of my dreams.  That's not something I'm comfortable with.  I will be a dreamer and a student my whole life.  I will strive and push to have all the things I want while simultaneously providing for the wants, needs, and desires of my wife and child.  They deserve all the wonderful things the world has to provide as well, and I hope their lives are as abundantly blessed with desire.  

So, cheers to today and tomorrow.  Each day is full of our own potential, but potential begins with the dream, the desire to strive past our current self.