Something My Mother Said...

I can't remember when the conversation took place, but I remember it vividly.  I was having one of those conversations with my mom that ranges from here to there, a sign that we're really connecting, when she turns to me and says, "Sometimes I don't recognize the woman in the mirror.  I walk through my days and I feel like I'm still 18, but then I look in the mirror and that's not true."

It's after midnight and the date has officially rolled over to January 27th.  I'm 35.  In so many ways, I feel like I'm 18.  I hear the ramble of my own thoughts and I don't feel different from that kid.  I still think about writing, about art, about love as an ideal, etc. Yet, there are so many contours to my life that don't resemble a life lived at 18.

This gets me to thinking if I would want to return to that life.  There are many men who go through midlife crises and try to recapture their youth through sports cars, younger women, hard partying, etc.  That doesn't really sound appealing to me at all.  My life has grown on me, become fungal and spread to all the areas of my heart.  Sure, there are challenges.  There are days where I would love to cast off all the burdens of responsibility, of being a husband, a father.  These are the moments where I reflect on my current situation.

My dog has been peeing on the rug.  We've had health issues with Shea.  Money is tight.  Careers are uncertain.  Relationships are challenging.  BUT...Shea is happy.  Tracy loves me.  I love Tracy.  My family supports me.  I'm publishing.  My dog falls asleep with her head in my lap as I read student papers.  When I come home, my daughter says, "I missed you."  As I work in the kitchen, Tracy scratches my back for a prolonged period of time, just to be close, just to reassure me, to show me she loves me (which as a writer I appreciate the value of showing and not telling).

So, I feel like I'm 18 inside my head.  I'm 35 in body.  Would I trade?  I don't think so.


***For some reason this post didn't go out on the 27th.  I thought it worth posting, so here it is.