Screaming

"I'd do it again."

This is the problematic phrase.  I know it's the problematic phrase, but I say it again.  The reason it's problematic is because the motivation behind it isn't understood.  They don't understand why I did it in the first place, have never given me an opportunity to explain.  So, I scream.  I scream hateful, vindictive things because I won't be heard otherwise.  I feel ashamed, dejected, and lonely.  Once again, I'm alone in a house with other people.  It's becoming a familiar feeling. 

So, now what? 

Well, it'll be dropped.  It won't be discussed.  I'll never get a chance to be understood.  So, I'll continue screaming inside my head and my heart.  I've heard their arguments.  I've been able to recite them back to them, but every time I ask for the same, they don't know what I've said, they haven't heard me, so I wonder why I speak at all.

I feel myself turning into a monster.  There is rage and scorn battering behind my eyes.  I don't recognize myself in these moments.  I'm overcome, pushed to the back of my brain as the reptile in me, the lizard brain, moves forward and takes control. 

I breathe, and again. 

Today is a new day.  I wonder how deep the silence will run.