Man Notes: Unintentionally Intentionally Miserable

Life is good when working from the patio.

It's been months since I've posted here, and I can tell you exactly why.  I've been silently, ashamedly unintentionally intentionally miserable.  The last year has seen me working against myself in almost every single way imaginable.  I have been doing NOTHING for myself.  I've been working as little as possible on the things I want, on the things that bring me joy, and I've been slowly dragging myself down into the pits of depression.  

Recently, some people have been reposting a former post from this blog.  It is a post about moving past grief, and it was a piece written from personal insight about depression.  When the post made its way around Facebook, I was forced to go back and reread it.  I wondered what made this one blog post stand out to my family and friends.  I am so glad that I read it.  It may have just saved me from many more months of depression.  

Today?  Today I am feeling better.  The reason for this?  Choosing.  Choosing small moments, small ways in which to participate in my life.  I've been a lazy slug around the house lately, blaming my work life for my level of participation in the house.  The other day, without being asked, I came home and mowed the lawn.  That's how deep into my depression I had sunk.  Mowing the lawn was a BIG deal for me a couple of weeks back even.  I was engrained into the couch, unmoving, unmotivated, and slowly wasting away.  Today?  Today I am feeling better.

So, what have been some of the other remedies to getting out of depression?  

1. Making more time for the things I care about.

2. Making more time for me.

3. Actively choosing to get out there and do things I love, or talking to people I love.

I've been to Powell's bookstore twice in the last week.  I've finished one and a half books in the last week, and I am feeling invigorated.  The book I am reading right now is for sure helping me.

This book is not about being dispassionate and indifferent.  On the contrary, it is about accepting pain as the agent of change.  It's about choosing the pain you want, the pain you can sustain, because it is the pathway to the change you want to enact in the world.  I got it yesterday and I'm already almost a 1/4 of the way through it.  Every now and again you get the message you need in the moment that you need it.

Another book that reignited me was "Waiter Rant."  This book felt like looking into a mirror for me, and I am so grateful that I found it. 

The last two days have truly felt like a turning point for me, and I am excited to see where my new choices will take me.  

Co-Hosted: Blogging With My Daughter

***I tried this experiment with Shea a couple of months back and forgot to post.  Here it is.***
We've been talking a bit about feelings in the Lang household these days, and it isn't always an easy go.  I've got a 10 year-old girl who is going through lots of different things in her life, and I always want to be close to her.  She expressed some interest in blogging with me and contributing here.  Here's what we came up with:

Me: What would you like to write about?  It should probably have something to do with fathers and daughters.

Her: (after taking a moment to think to herself) How you can get into disagreements but fathers always come back.

Me: What does that mean to you?

Her: That means that fathers always come back.

Me: What do you mean "come back"?

Her: Like after work, come back.

Me: Why is that important after having an argument?

Her: Because that way we know that we love each other.

Me: Is it hard sometimes to talk about things you disagree about?

Her: Yes.

Me: Why is that? Why is it hard do you think?

Her: I actually don't know.

Me: Is it hard to talk about difficult feelings?

Her: Mmhmm.

Me: Can you describe a feeling that is difficult to talk about?

Her: Sadness.

Me: Why is sadness hard?

Her: I don't know.

Me: Is it because it feels like a big feeling?

Her: I really don't know.

Me: Is it overwhelming sometimes?

Her: Nope.

Me: I'm going to have to start getting some longer answers here, honey.

Her: You start.

Me: Ok.  I know that when I feel sad, I can sometimes get real quiet because I don't know how to talk about my sadness without making other people feel bad, or that they need to fix it. What about you?

Her: I don't know.

Me: Do you want to pick a different topic to write about?

Her: No.  It's fine.

Me: So can you say anything more about sadness?

Her: Sadness is just a weird feeling.

Me: Weird how?

Her: I don't know how it is weird, but it is weird.

Me: Do you feel it often?

Her: No.

Me: What about happiness?  Is it easier to talk about happiness?

Her: Mmhmm

Me: So what you could you say about that?  When do you feel happy?

Her: Like when you win an OBOB (Oregon Battle of the Books) battle.

Me: Are there any other times you feel happiness?

Her: When someone does something nice for you?

Me:  That does feel good.  What about when you do something nice for somebody else?

Her: That makes them feel good.

Me: Does it also make you feel good?

Her: Mmhmm

Me: Is there anything else?

Her: Nope.

Me: So, what else would you like to say about fathers and daughters? (silence) Is this hard?

Her: Yes.

Me: So do you want to stop?

Her: Would that be ok?  Is that ok with you?

Me: Yes.

I think I didn't post this originally because I thought it didn't add up to much, but as I sit and look at it now, I realize that it was an important conversation/exercise for me to have with my daughter.  We didn't get to any profound realizations, but she knows that I am open to discussion on what may seem like hard topics to her.