Man Notes: Unintentionally Intentionally Miserable

Life is good when working from the patio.

It's been months since I've posted here, and I can tell you exactly why.  I've been silently, ashamedly unintentionally intentionally miserable.  The last year has seen me working against myself in almost every single way imaginable.  I have been doing NOTHING for myself.  I've been working as little as possible on the things I want, on the things that bring me joy, and I've been slowly dragging myself down into the pits of depression.  

Recently, some people have been reposting a former post from this blog.  It is a post about moving past grief, and it was a piece written from personal insight about depression.  When the post made its way around Facebook, I was forced to go back and reread it.  I wondered what made this one blog post stand out to my family and friends.  I am so glad that I read it.  It may have just saved me from many more months of depression.  

Today?  Today I am feeling better.  The reason for this?  Choosing.  Choosing small moments, small ways in which to participate in my life.  I've been a lazy slug around the house lately, blaming my work life for my level of participation in the house.  The other day, without being asked, I came home and mowed the lawn.  That's how deep into my depression I had sunk.  Mowing the lawn was a BIG deal for me a couple of weeks back even.  I was engrained into the couch, unmoving, unmotivated, and slowly wasting away.  Today?  Today I am feeling better.

So, what have been some of the other remedies to getting out of depression?  

1. Making more time for the things I care about.

2. Making more time for me.

3. Actively choosing to get out there and do things I love, or talking to people I love.

I've been to Powell's bookstore twice in the last week.  I've finished one and a half books in the last week, and I am feeling invigorated.  The book I am reading right now is for sure helping me.

This book is not about being dispassionate and indifferent.  On the contrary, it is about accepting pain as the agent of change.  It's about choosing the pain you want, the pain you can sustain, because it is the pathway to the change you want to enact in the world.  I got it yesterday and I'm already almost a 1/4 of the way through it.  Every now and again you get the message you need in the moment that you need it.

Another book that reignited me was "Waiter Rant."  This book felt like looking into a mirror for me, and I am so grateful that I found it. 

The last two days have truly felt like a turning point for me, and I am excited to see where my new choices will take me.