Bumbling

There are days where I feel I can do it all, where nothing is impossible and I cannot fail. To be honest with you, I live in that space most of the time. I know, pretty optimistic, but what can I say, I'm a pretty optimistic guy.

On the other hand, there are days where I feel like I can't get any of it right. Days where I feel like my work is going to shit, I'm failing as a husband and father and my writing is crap. Today is kind of one of these days. I was riding a high that was two parts caffeine and one part exhaustion for most of the day. It was workable and I was being pretty productive in making cold calls in my day job without distraction.

Then...

the phone call. I get these phone calls every now and then from a person in my life and they typically consist of reminding me of something I have done, or pointing out a new fault entirely. Most of the things that are pointed out are mistakes I have made unknowingly and am truly sorry about. What amazes me about these phone calls is that their only agenda is to point out these mistakes. After I have listened to my new shortcoming, the conversation is pretty much over.

It's frustrating and after talking on the phone I can feel myself deflate. Any energy that I was riding as a result of good deeds done earlier in the day is erased in a moment. I'm taking an extra day for the program this week in an effort to get some stuff done. I'm hoping I can get a little further down the line and finish some reading, write a commentary or two and then I will feel like I'm closer to being prepared for Pete and that looming April 4th deadline.

I still want it all: to be a good husband and father, to succeed in my endeavors to pay the bills, my education and a life where I use my imagination to string together stories that speak about the common thread that runs through all of humanity. There are so many things that keep us apart but I've already seen too much in this world to not believe that people are people no matter what and I want to write to illuminate this fact, to share the common experience of love and life with a wider audience so that we can culminate a greater understanding of what it means to be human. Not too much to ask, huh?

Well, this gerbil has to jump back on his wheel. One more Red Bull and I'll be back in action!