I've pounded through Pete Fromm's "As Cool As I Am" and am on the lookout for the next page-turner that is going to see me through this fallow period I am experiencing. I've taken a breath and have relaxed into the fact that I am still working on writing. I am reading a lot. Three books since graduation about a month ago. I am still blogging, using this forum to work through the myriad insecurities that plague me...and there are many. I'm batting ideas around in my head.
So what is it that is still bothering me?
Well, I believe it is that I am not immersing myself into my day to day life. I gave a whole speech at graduation on this very topic, on being present, and I can't seem to get myself down into the nitty-gritty of my return home. It doesn't help that things are tight with money, which means they are tight with my wife. But that can't be it. There is some internal resistance that is pushing me back and away from my life. I am faltering here. I find that I can't have an in depth conversation with my wife without it boiling down to some kind of verbal skirmish, no matter how petty or minor. It can't just be me. It just can't. So I wonder what the issue is, I take up precious mental real estate trying to figure out what it is that is pushing us apart (for now). I'm tempted to push the envelope and go for the full thermo-nuclear incineration fight. The one where I bring up counseling, where I admit to her that I believe we have communication issues and hope that some of the shrapnel that flies will actually cast a glint of realization onto our current situation. I have to get past this. I have to move on. I need to settle into a new routine where I am productive. Otherwise, I'm going to start pulling my hair out. It shouldn't take long...I don't have that much left.
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