I walk the edge of a blade each and every day. I am buffeted each and every day by the nonsensical whims of my own emotions. A couple of days ago I was riding high, feeling in control and having a very good day. The next day begins in much the same way but is soon derailed by the railings of the one person who is supposed to be lifting me up. She leaves a message on my voicemail berating me for a locked door. For the inconvenience of having to use the front door.
It isn't the subject of the voicemail that bothers me. Not in the least, In fact I laugh at the subject of the voicemail but am soon hit with a wave of sadness at the tone of it. I don't want to say I've "never" been spoken to in that tone but it feels that way. It is a mix of condescension, anger, and disregard. It sends me crashing. I come home and don't speak for the remainder of the night. In fact, once the baby is down, I leave for the bar. I don't get wasted, I simply grade papers and have a beer or two until I know my wife is asleep.
The next day is good. I try and forget about the message on my phone and move on with my day. I have a good day but it is shadowed by the presence of no apology. I climb a little higher out of my gloom and finish the day at home with my family, still quiet but apparently it goes unnoticed.
Thursday is a good day at school. I get a ton of work done, my classes are in the library for a presentation and so I am off the hook for lecture. The sun is out and I'm in short sleeves and jeans. It's a good day. My former advisor emails me and tells me he has a giant spread in Writer's Chronicle which should hit any day. I try and lay my hot little hands on it but can't find it anywhere. Patience, patience. I take a walk in the sunlight.
Oh, that reminds me, I've been trying to run lately but I am developing a pain in my ankle. More the side of my foot really. It happened after the first day I ran. I think I pushed myself too far and I've bruised a tendon or something. It doesn't feel like a sprain or anything of that nature. So, I've had to settle for walking, which if overdone, still sends pains shooting up into my calf.
Anyway, it seems that all of these events, both big and small seem to push me too far to one side or another. I'm raw, red raw, hot electric wire raw, and my joys are real but my anger scares me, my sadness threatens to draw me down, and I'm not sure if my amiability is going to be enough to keep me in control.
We'll see. Wish me luck.
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