Awful/Good

I went running a couple of times this weekend.  It's been a long time.  I've been off the cigarettes for a while and so I want to get my wind back.  So, I ran.  Well, I ran/walked.  I had to do this because I wasn't in shape.  I was soft, spoiled, fat and lazy.  So, the run was awful/good.  This post is all about the forward slash.  It's about the space between desire and reality, between expectation and capability, between passion and self-sabotage.

I ran two days back to back in an the hopes of getting two runs in before the soreness settled into my legs and did me in for a couple of days.  It went okay.  I was able to get 4 miles in.  The 4 miles also led me back to the computer.

I'm writing these days.  I'm not blogging.  I'm not journaling.  I'm not freewriting.  I'm writing.  I'm actively working on the novel these days.  It's awful/good.  I tell my students all the time that they are allowed "shitty first drafts" but it feels awful sometimes. 

I'm out of practice with writing.  I'm stale, stagnant and my drafts are thinly imagined.  BUT, and the but is the important thing, I feel so good.  I know the work is awful.  I know I probably won't keep much of it, but my butt is in the seat and I'm working.  I'm working on something I'm passionate about.  I'm not grading.  I'm not reworking syllabi, finishing training for online classes, etc.  I'm doing what I want to do, what I've been forced to set aside for a while now. 

I feel awful in ways, but I feel oh so good in others.  I can't wait until I can hopefully sit down to a "marathon" writing session and at least feel I've gotten my wind back.