Man Notes: Re-purposing

This last year has taught me a lot about promises, about commitment to a life desired, and my ability to work my way around the things I want in life.  I've made some bad decisions since the new year, decisions that had implications I couldn't see in the moment, but that will have lasting effects on the rest of the year.  The thing I've learned about all of this is that I need a bit of re-purposing, a bit of re-direction, or re-commitment, and a myriad other "re" words.

The promise post has gotten me blogging again, which has gotten me writing again, which has rekindled the fire in me to create, to live a life that is purposeful, intentional, and self-directed.  The problem, as I see it, is that I've done a backslide into a way of life that is not exactly conducive to what I want.  Thus, I need to redirect myself.  Here's how I see it.

I do not read enough.

I do not write enough.

I do not spend enough quality time with my family.

I work too much.

I spend too many off hours thinking about work.

I spend too many off hours thinking about work and not engaging in action that will allow me to stop thinking about work in my off hours.

I am not living as healthy of a lifestyle as I want.

I spend my time engaged in activities that cause me to feel guilt.

I feel guilty about how I spend my time, which causes me to further ignore the things I want.

This is a simple list, but an honest one.  It is a list I'm ashamed of if I'm going to be truly honest with myself.  So I come to solutions.  To me there is only one: choose.  I must choose what it is I want from my life and actively choose it every day.

This is where the promise project comes into play.  I've chosen to commit myself to my promises.  I've chosen to dedicate myself to fulfilling a promise I made mostly to only myself.  So why are the other things any different?  They are not.  So this leaves me with a new purpose, a re-purpose of my earlier self.  

I am committing the next three months to actively choosing to live the life I want to live.  I need to be better.  I need to be better for me.  I need to be better for my family.  I need to be better for my students and co-workers, for my friends, but, mostly, just for me.  I'm tired of choosing to do things that bring me active shame.  I'm tired of not living up to my potential.  I'm going to revisit my remaining promises in the bowl and I might just do a new batch.  I'm facing a new set of challenges that are deeply personal and potentially life-altering, so I must engage with them while the energy is high. 

The energy is high right now, and it is imperative that I seize the moment.  I've had a series of truly honest conversations with my loved ones recently, and I want to live up to the promise of those conversations.  Wish me luck, you'll probably be hearing more about this in the coming days/weeks/months.