The majority of this blog is dedicated to the idea of identity. It is an analysis of roles, of responsibilities and duties, and much of it is self-generated. It is the way I approach these roles, these identities. But what happens when one is faced with outside opinion? What happens when that outside opinion is so contrary to what you believe about yourself? How do you rectify the situation?
Well, as in most things, that depends. I was recently confronted with a perception of who I was that was completely contrary to who I think I am. I consider myself a family man, a giver, but what if others don't see that? What happens when someone close to you thinks you are selfish, irresponsible, and thoughtless?
You reassess, that's what you do. It would be easy for me to simply say, "Pshaw, that's not me. That's not who I am." But what if I'm wrong? What if I am selfish? What happens if I don't think about others as much as I think I do? This blog post is full of questions and very little answers. I'm struggling under the weight of these ideas. I'm forced to consider that maybe I am an asshole.
I know the fundamental thing that was used to base this judgment was false. I know the situation is not what the other person thought it was, but that doesn't change the fact that this person believes these things about me. They believe me to be selfish, irresponsible, thoughtless. They think that I don't have consideration for others and their feelings and I don't know where that impression comes from.
So, I slide into those murky depths of self-analysis and the accompanying self-doubt. I was having a good day too before all of this happened. Like a really good day. I felt good about my work, about my contribution to the world, and now I'm left wondering if I've portrayed myself as the hero of a false narrative. I'm Don Quixote running after windmills. What if the good things I believe about myself are fabrications? I know this isn't true, or at least totally true, but it's hard to maintain when the accusations come from someone who knows me well, or should.
I'm stumbling through my day today, doubting my contributions, but I know I'll resolve this. I know I'll slowly knit the pieces back together and find my center, but I'm just now picking myself up after having the rug pulled out from under me.
kyle, my friend - a selfish person wouldn't take the time for such heartfelt introspection, not to mention in a public format for all to witness. "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," right? that mantra might perhaps be just right in this case. you're the friend who, a year and a half after our graduation, met me in downtown seaside and bought me coffee and a cookie and talked to me about the male narrator voice in the latest story i'd written, giving me your time and a critique. you're that same friend who shared a beer (over the phone) with me each time we finished our PacU packets. the same friend who asks me about my travels when other people shy away because they didn't get to travel there too. the same friend who officiates people's weddings. i can think of a lot of things that you are - and that "s" word doesn't come to mind. not once. not ever.
ReplyDelete"Kyle" is to "selfish" as "Twilight" is to "great fiction."
ReplyDeleteI understand the impetus to second guess everything and doubt yourself in this sort of instance, but truly, the notion of you as thoughtless, irresponsible, and selfish is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard in a long time. (Remember: this is coming from the woman who is regularly trying to get you to do LESS for your students to preserve your own sanity.)
Please be as kind to yourself as you would be to any one of us and let it go. I have no idea what the situation is, but it is either a) a monumental misunderstanding, or b) the issue is entirely the other person's.