The week is over and I am appreciating TGIF. I just sent my packet out to my advisor and I have one weekend of freedom before the cycle starts all over again. I came to the realization this week that I need to afford myself a little more time to enjoy my life. I have been pushing so hard to be better, faster, harder, stronger and I find that the cost of this is too much. I felt like I was missing out on the early days of Shea's development and quality time with my wife, supporting her and making sure that she felt loved and desired.
Well, I met my deadline, five days early, and now I am taking this weekend to celebrate all the beautiful things in my life: my wife, my daughter, my home and my health. I can't expect myself to maintain inspiration and creativity if I am just a work-a-day schmuck. I have been allowing myself to be too driven. I really wanted to write something deep and profound here about what I am feeling and planning for the weekend but to be honest...I don't have it in me right now. So, I will bid you adieu until Monday where I hope you will find me revived and celebrating this lovely thing we call life.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Embarrassed
Yesterday was a bad day but it all started on Tuesday night. I have been busting my ass in an effort to complete my packet for my MFA program and it has required that I work long days that keep me away from my wife and child. After work, I went straight to work on homework and plugged away through the night until about 11 o'clock at night - my second 14/15 hour day in a row.
When I got home Tracy and Shea were sound asleep and I didn't have a chance to talk to Tracy or to hold Shea. It made me realize that there is a price to pay for my selfish desire to pursue my writing.
I'm an optimist, I know, it's annoying. I believe that I fill all the roles that I need to and maintain a level of excellence at them all. Husband, check. Father, check. Student, check. Writer, check. Son, brother, friend, employee, check, check, check, check. Well, I'm not sure that is true anymore. There are limits to my endurance. I'm fallible, mortal, and, God knows, flawed.
I've been driving so fast that I haven't stopped to take a breath lately. I realize that I am writing from inside a bubble. Writing comes from life and I feel like I have been rushing through mine, going from one deadline to another without stopping long enough to actually enjoy the process. How can I write when I'm not paying attention? I have been in a head-down-nose-to-the-grindstone mode for so long that I haven't sat next to the river and just enjoyed the sound of water tumbling over rocks. I don't know what time the sun sets right now because I spend all of my time sitting in front of a computer screen.
I have a wife who loves and supports me but what am I doing right now that is supporting her? Am I providing the things she needs in order to be happy? I'm not fulfilling all my roles and the next question I have to ask myself is, am I filling any of them?
When I got home Tracy and Shea were sound asleep and I didn't have a chance to talk to Tracy or to hold Shea. It made me realize that there is a price to pay for my selfish desire to pursue my writing.
I'm an optimist, I know, it's annoying. I believe that I fill all the roles that I need to and maintain a level of excellence at them all. Husband, check. Father, check. Student, check. Writer, check. Son, brother, friend, employee, check, check, check, check. Well, I'm not sure that is true anymore. There are limits to my endurance. I'm fallible, mortal, and, God knows, flawed.
I've been driving so fast that I haven't stopped to take a breath lately. I realize that I am writing from inside a bubble. Writing comes from life and I feel like I have been rushing through mine, going from one deadline to another without stopping long enough to actually enjoy the process. How can I write when I'm not paying attention? I have been in a head-down-nose-to-the-grindstone mode for so long that I haven't sat next to the river and just enjoyed the sound of water tumbling over rocks. I don't know what time the sun sets right now because I spend all of my time sitting in front of a computer screen.
I have a wife who loves and supports me but what am I doing right now that is supporting her? Am I providing the things she needs in order to be happy? I'm not fulfilling all my roles and the next question I have to ask myself is, am I filling any of them?
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Bumbling
There are days where I feel I can do it all, where nothing is impossible and I cannot fail. To be honest with you, I live in that space most of the time. I know, pretty optimistic, but what can I say, I'm a pretty optimistic guy.
On the other hand, there are days where I feel like I can't get any of it right. Days where I feel like my work is going to shit, I'm failing as a husband and father and my writing is crap. Today is kind of one of these days. I was riding a high that was two parts caffeine and one part exhaustion for most of the day. It was workable and I was being pretty productive in making cold calls in my day job without distraction.
Then...
the phone call. I get these phone calls every now and then from a person in my life and they typically consist of reminding me of something I have done, or pointing out a new fault entirely. Most of the things that are pointed out are mistakes I have made unknowingly and am truly sorry about. What amazes me about these phone calls is that their only agenda is to point out these mistakes. After I have listened to my new shortcoming, the conversation is pretty much over.
It's frustrating and after talking on the phone I can feel myself deflate. Any energy that I was riding as a result of good deeds done earlier in the day is erased in a moment. I'm taking an extra day for the program this week in an effort to get some stuff done. I'm hoping I can get a little further down the line and finish some reading, write a commentary or two and then I will feel like I'm closer to being prepared for Pete and that looming April 4th deadline.
I still want it all: to be a good husband and father, to succeed in my endeavors to pay the bills, my education and a life where I use my imagination to string together stories that speak about the common thread that runs through all of humanity. There are so many things that keep us apart but I've already seen too much in this world to not believe that people are people no matter what and I want to write to illuminate this fact, to share the common experience of love and life with a wider audience so that we can culminate a greater understanding of what it means to be human. Not too much to ask, huh?
Well, this gerbil has to jump back on his wheel. One more Red Bull and I'll be back in action!
On the other hand, there are days where I feel like I can't get any of it right. Days where I feel like my work is going to shit, I'm failing as a husband and father and my writing is crap. Today is kind of one of these days. I was riding a high that was two parts caffeine and one part exhaustion for most of the day. It was workable and I was being pretty productive in making cold calls in my day job without distraction.
Then...
the phone call. I get these phone calls every now and then from a person in my life and they typically consist of reminding me of something I have done, or pointing out a new fault entirely. Most of the things that are pointed out are mistakes I have made unknowingly and am truly sorry about. What amazes me about these phone calls is that their only agenda is to point out these mistakes. After I have listened to my new shortcoming, the conversation is pretty much over.
It's frustrating and after talking on the phone I can feel myself deflate. Any energy that I was riding as a result of good deeds done earlier in the day is erased in a moment. I'm taking an extra day for the program this week in an effort to get some stuff done. I'm hoping I can get a little further down the line and finish some reading, write a commentary or two and then I will feel like I'm closer to being prepared for Pete and that looming April 4th deadline.
I still want it all: to be a good husband and father, to succeed in my endeavors to pay the bills, my education and a life where I use my imagination to string together stories that speak about the common thread that runs through all of humanity. There are so many things that keep us apart but I've already seen too much in this world to not believe that people are people no matter what and I want to write to illuminate this fact, to share the common experience of love and life with a wider audience so that we can culminate a greater understanding of what it means to be human. Not too much to ask, huh?
Well, this gerbil has to jump back on his wheel. One more Red Bull and I'll be back in action!
Monday, March 26, 2007
Deadlines Encroaching
Every time I think I am a little bit ahead, I'm not. I just looked at my packet deadlines for my next exchange with Pete and it is a week from this Wednesday. I am so behind in my reading it is ridiculous. I haven't even finished a single book let alone the required three. I am going to have to spend every free moment I have sitting down with a book, writing my commentaries and revising my story so that I will have everything done in time. Spring semester sucks in comparison with Winter.
I feel really good about the creative work that I've been doing. Well, in the fact that there is creative work being done but I know that the level of my writing has dropped a bit from where I was after working with John. It doesn't have anything to do with my advisor, just where I am in life and with my approach to the page. I'm hoping that I will hit another growth spurt here and crash through into another level of understanding.
I guess I should be used to this as my learning plateaus for a while and then I have an "Aha" moment where things all of a sudden become clearer. I just haven't had one of those in a while and I fell like I'm treading water waiting for inspiration to throw me a life preserver. Work has upped the pressure and their expectations of me lately and I'm having a hard time keeping up with the tasks they have set out for me so far.
Head down, muscle through, Kyle. Life is what you make it and I'm willing to fight for the writing.
I feel really good about the creative work that I've been doing. Well, in the fact that there is creative work being done but I know that the level of my writing has dropped a bit from where I was after working with John. It doesn't have anything to do with my advisor, just where I am in life and with my approach to the page. I'm hoping that I will hit another growth spurt here and crash through into another level of understanding.
I guess I should be used to this as my learning plateaus for a while and then I have an "Aha" moment where things all of a sudden become clearer. I just haven't had one of those in a while and I fell like I'm treading water waiting for inspiration to throw me a life preserver. Work has upped the pressure and their expectations of me lately and I'm having a hard time keeping up with the tasks they have set out for me so far.
Head down, muscle through, Kyle. Life is what you make it and I'm willing to fight for the writing.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Sunday Lovely Sunday
The Danger of Dialogue, wild raccoons, frivolous entertainment and the desire to be in front of the page all make today a great day to be me. I've been reading Water of an Undetermined Depth by Richard Chiappone and I have to say that he has inspired some great thoughts. His use of dialogue in his stories, combined with his quirky plotlines make for a great read. Thanks, Pete.
I've spent the day helping my father alongside my brother and uncle, napping in the afternoon with my wife and baby, mowing the lawn and reading some great short stories. The afternoon is fading quickly into evening and my wife and daughter are at the in-laws having dinner and I can sit and dwell on issues of craft and art in my own living room. I've taken to writing in libraries and there is a certain disconnect from my day to day life that has allowed me to be very productive in that environment.
I find that there is a tradoff to that productivity though and it is not being emotionally attached to the objects in the immediate vicinity. I use so many of the objects in my house as details in my writing and I think it adds a certain grounded touch to the stuff I write at home. With the addition of the new baby, it is more difficult to find the space to write here. It is not a bad thing, I am not disparaging my wife and daughter for occupying the space, it just makes me appreciate the opportunity.
I've been really writing at half strength this semester and I'm getting frustrated with it. I think Pete feels that way too but he is very nice about giving feedback that is pointed specifically at improving what is there on the page. The first two stories I wrote this semester were in bars and Pete had a good suggestion: Get out of the bars! So, the story I wrote this week is very different from the previous two. It is also shorter. I find that a lot of time I'm almost writing to fill pages like there is a certain length a short story needs to be. This last story is about half the size of my previous stories but I think it has some kick in its brevity. I'm pretty excited about it and I'm looking forward to working on it a little tonight and also tomorrow night at the library.
It's going to be a good week. I got the lawn mowed, which was stressing me out (no time = nice weather, free time = rain). When the clouds cleared this afternoon, I mowed and now I feel like I'm a little caught up. The space is cleared and I'm free to relax this evening, write a little, cuddle with Shea and chat with Tracy. A good day.
I've spent the day helping my father alongside my brother and uncle, napping in the afternoon with my wife and baby, mowing the lawn and reading some great short stories. The afternoon is fading quickly into evening and my wife and daughter are at the in-laws having dinner and I can sit and dwell on issues of craft and art in my own living room. I've taken to writing in libraries and there is a certain disconnect from my day to day life that has allowed me to be very productive in that environment.
I find that there is a tradoff to that productivity though and it is not being emotionally attached to the objects in the immediate vicinity. I use so many of the objects in my house as details in my writing and I think it adds a certain grounded touch to the stuff I write at home. With the addition of the new baby, it is more difficult to find the space to write here. It is not a bad thing, I am not disparaging my wife and daughter for occupying the space, it just makes me appreciate the opportunity.
I've been really writing at half strength this semester and I'm getting frustrated with it. I think Pete feels that way too but he is very nice about giving feedback that is pointed specifically at improving what is there on the page. The first two stories I wrote this semester were in bars and Pete had a good suggestion: Get out of the bars! So, the story I wrote this week is very different from the previous two. It is also shorter. I find that a lot of time I'm almost writing to fill pages like there is a certain length a short story needs to be. This last story is about half the size of my previous stories but I think it has some kick in its brevity. I'm pretty excited about it and I'm looking forward to working on it a little tonight and also tomorrow night at the library.
It's going to be a good week. I got the lawn mowed, which was stressing me out (no time = nice weather, free time = rain). When the clouds cleared this afternoon, I mowed and now I feel like I'm a little caught up. The space is cleared and I'm free to relax this evening, write a little, cuddle with Shea and chat with Tracy. A good day.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
State of Affairs - Life beyond the Blog
So, after considering what I put down yesterday I realized that I didn't include much about the life I'm currently living outside of school and writing and I thought I would address that today. I am blessed to have a one month old baby girl in my life right now and a mother who is so amazing that I can't quite catch my breath sometimes. I am a very fortunate man to have been blessed with the people in my life. Tracy has been by my side every step of the way since we met back in 2000. I can't believe that's when we started dating! I had never dated a girl for longer than a year when I met Tracy. I just never quite found someone who fit with me and I'm not the type of guy to try putting a square peg into a round hole for very long and I often ended my relationships early instead of dragging them on past their prime.
Tracy is a great match for me because she is so different from me. I am flighty, always bouncing from one thing to another, not very forward thinking and all around a pain in the ass. Tracy is the calming influence on my life and she slows me down long enough to take a step forward towards the things I dream after. She is always planning and helping me to see that there are a set number of steps between myself and my goals and that each journey begins with that first one.
Also, she is such a caretaker. I have never met anyone who thinks about other people's needs as much as Tracy. Sometimes it can be annoying (when she doesn't take care of herself) but her loving heart is one of the things that drew me to her. I like to think that I am a caring individual, invested in the happiness of those around me but when I look at Tracy, when I see how she cares, I feel like an amateur. I don't know what I would do without her.
Now, Tracy has given me the gift of Shea, our daughter. This one month old bundle of love has changed me in ways that I'm not sure I comprehend. Even during the pregnancy I could feel things shifting around inside of me, questions arising about what kind of man do I want to be for my family. These are things that I never thought about in such concrete terms but now I think about often. I want to be a loving husband and father. I want to provide for my wife and daughter the necessary amounts of comfort and love that they need to be free to be who they want in their lives. I don't want to be a hinderance to their dreams. I want to be the feul that helps them ignite the night sky with the power of their dreams. I want to be a man, secure and true, and powerful enough to give those I love the freedom to know themselves without fear of consequence.
So, there's my rap for today. It took a turn on me there, but I'm doing these as somewhat timed exercises and then just publishing them wholesale out into the world. Hope these words mean something because at times, they are the things that help me to endure.
Tracy is a great match for me because she is so different from me. I am flighty, always bouncing from one thing to another, not very forward thinking and all around a pain in the ass. Tracy is the calming influence on my life and she slows me down long enough to take a step forward towards the things I dream after. She is always planning and helping me to see that there are a set number of steps between myself and my goals and that each journey begins with that first one.
Also, she is such a caretaker. I have never met anyone who thinks about other people's needs as much as Tracy. Sometimes it can be annoying (when she doesn't take care of herself) but her loving heart is one of the things that drew me to her. I like to think that I am a caring individual, invested in the happiness of those around me but when I look at Tracy, when I see how she cares, I feel like an amateur. I don't know what I would do without her.
Now, Tracy has given me the gift of Shea, our daughter. This one month old bundle of love has changed me in ways that I'm not sure I comprehend. Even during the pregnancy I could feel things shifting around inside of me, questions arising about what kind of man do I want to be for my family. These are things that I never thought about in such concrete terms but now I think about often. I want to be a loving husband and father. I want to provide for my wife and daughter the necessary amounts of comfort and love that they need to be free to be who they want in their lives. I don't want to be a hinderance to their dreams. I want to be the feul that helps them ignite the night sky with the power of their dreams. I want to be a man, secure and true, and powerful enough to give those I love the freedom to know themselves without fear of consequence.
So, there's my rap for today. It took a turn on me there, but I'm doing these as somewhat timed exercises and then just publishing them wholesale out into the world. Hope these words mean something because at times, they are the things that help me to endure.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Check one, two...one, two
So this is a sound check of sorts as I have never blogged before in my life and now here I am attempting to work the page. I have come to the blogging as a way of doing "daily pages" a concept that I first encountered in "The Right to Write". I have never been that good at doing the writing on a daily basis and really incorporating it into my routine but I have gotten closer over the last couple of months and now I feel it is necessary to just knock some of the stuff out of my head that is like "warming up" so that when I do sit down to write my fiction, I won't have to fight past my verbal diahrrea that winds up consuming two or three pages before I can get a word of fiction on the page.
So, I have been writing a lot more than I have ever written in the past and I love it. I have joined the MFA program at Pacific University and it has been a dream come true. It has provided me the chance to form a community of writers like Katey Schultz, Charles Green and others.
I don't know if I will have much endurance when it comes to the blogspot campaign I am waging against myself but I plan on giving it a try. I appreciate you all taking the time to view this, if there are any "you alls" out there, but thanks.
So, I have been writing a lot more than I have ever written in the past and I love it. I have joined the MFA program at Pacific University and it has been a dream come true. It has provided me the chance to form a community of writers like Katey Schultz, Charles Green and others.
I don't know if I will have much endurance when it comes to the blogspot campaign I am waging against myself but I plan on giving it a try. I appreciate you all taking the time to view this, if there are any "you alls" out there, but thanks.
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