I know it is pretty typical of my to disappear from the blog over the weekends but I feel like I haven't posted in a very long time. I'll try and catch up on current events.
My packet arrived.
This is a big event in my life these days. I check the mailbox everyday once I submit to my advisor. The first couple of days I know I'm being ridiculous but, sure enough, the first day it is logistically feasible for the packet to arrive it does. And it is filled with comments that are just amazing to read.
It's nice when your reader gets your intent. Understands what it is you are trying to do and even pushes you past the line you had set for yourself. This is how it is working with my current advisor. He is such a careful and heartfelt reader and while he gives me TREMENDOUS amounts of criticism, his comments seem to be framed in a gentleness that is appreciated and so much a part of his character. I have a lot of work to do. In the letter that came with the packet I was asked to push up my next packet date by TWO WEEKS!!! This means that I have two weeks to finish a full revision of my essay and a FULL revision of the story I submitted this last time around. It's on like Donkey Kong, people!
So, that was my Friday and I promised myself I would not freak out about the deadline change and so far I am doing pretty good. Saturday was a nice day. Tracy and I got up and I went to a writer's group meeting while she putted around town getting some things done that were on her list. The writing group was good, I guess. I'm not sure if I am digging the format of the thing but I am going to ride it out for now. They read a piece of mine from my first semester here and it is a stinking pile of poo but the response I got back on it is not all that deep. There were plenty of areas where they could have dug into the story and really given my juicy feedback but I think they are worried about hurting people's feelings and it isn't the most constructive thing to have framing your feedback.
Other than that it was nice to catch up with people from the program and talk advisers, packets, reading, etc. From there Tracy and I went and had dinner with her folks. A quiet night with the in-laws. I got my father talking politics and the strangest thing happened. As I was talking with Tom, debating whether not funding the war was anti-soldier. I took the stance that because I don't feel that the war is justified, I don't think we should give it additional funding. Tom made the point that the funding is meant to stock the troops with better equipment and is for THEIR best interest. I told him I thought it was in their best interest to get out of a war zone and the only way that would happen is if we stop funding the operation. Anyway, we were going back and forth when all of a sudden I felt very present in my body. Not only did I feel present in my body but I felt like I was filling it. I could feel my spirit pressing against the boundaries of my flesh and I felt...big, not fat or swollen, but grown physically to the dimensions of a man.
In many ways I still consider myself to be the teen I once was and that is very much not the case. For some reason I felt a swelling of spirit in standing up for my own personal beliefs to someone who I consider, at least in part, an authority figure. It was great to rant back and forth, poke holes in his arguments and, in the end, realize the level of prejudice I was fighting when two statements broke from him. "If it weren't for the fucking bleeding heart liberals..." and "It's Muslims against the world." It became clear to me that the argument was over because there is no surmounting that kind of prejudice. Any idea I brought to the table would be seen as "liberal" because I am anti-war. But that is beside the point.
Growing up around people who studied Gurdjieff and the idea that one should be present in the body, mind, heart and spirit every moment possible, I became immediately conscious of the fact that I had not felt this way in a very long time. I had not felt like my body, my mind and my heart were in alignment, not like this. I could feel the boundaries of my physical form with perfect clarity. I could hear every word that was being said to me in our conversation and the room stood out in clear focus although it was night and the room half-lit. It was an amazing experience to have and I look forward to achieving this again soon.
Anyway, a long rant. Sorry about the that. Be well.
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