The Grocery Store

On my way home from work I stopped off at my local grocery store to pick up a couple of things for my wife who was feeling under the weather. I was in a good mood, the sun was shining, work had been a breeze and I felt light and buoyant walking across the parking lot. The commute from work had been relatively painless and I had made good time in crossing Portland from the west side to the east, listening to Francine Prose's book Reading like a Writer on audio book.

As I entered the grocery store, I had problems locating sun dried tomatoes and had to ask one of the checkers if they knew where I could find them. They took their time, guiding me around the store until we finally found them on a small table in the produce section. Everyone in the store was in a good mood, smiling at each other, inclining their heads in greeting as we passed in the aisles.

After collecting the tomatoes in my basket, I wandered through the personal hygiene section of the store on my way back to the deli case. Standing in front of the shelves chock full of deodorants was a young man, not too much younger than me, five or six years at the most, trying to find the brand he preferred. He was the picture of bachelor life. His pants, loose at the waist, hung down to reveal a section of plaid boxers. His face, unshaven, revealed a touch of anxiety at the shopping experience as if he was unused to tending to his most basic needs.

In that moment I realized that I will, most likely, never achieve that state of singleness again. Shopping only for the things that I wish to have in my cupboards and refrigerator. I am tied to my wife and child through the bonds of our commitment to each other and a love that I feel for them. It was a bittersweet realization. I did not envy the young man, per se, but I had a flash of nostalgia for that life. The go-go-go of making plans, meeting people out, happy hours, late nights out and the overall sense of a singular force controlling my destiny. Life is more complex these days. There are other people who take precedence over my personal desires. I must think about the needs of others before my own.

I have a wife, a child, a dog, a house, etc and I remember a time when all of these things seemed like wavering mirages on the horizon, real and hoped for things that were intangible at the time. Now, having realized the dream of that young man, having connected myself into a greater structure of love, commitment and family I am free in ways that I wasn't as a young man. I am free to love wholeheartedly, free to take risks knowing that I have the support of my wife and family.

I often hear about family commitments as encumbrances to the desires of the individual and I myself might spout the popular sentiment sometimes but I don't believe that to be the case. I wanted to pursue my writing more aggressively and it wasn't until I had the support of my own wife that I was able to take that risk and put myself on the line. I am stronger when I am with them. I am more free to be who I want to be. And it is only through their support, their strength that I am able to evolve and be a better man because now I have someone who will benefit from my growth. I have someone for whom I want to realize my potential and for that I will be forever grateful.