Man Notes: Chopping Onions (I'm Not Crying)

In the past six months I've been in the position where I've cried publicly.  Both situations were at the funerals of family members where I served as officiant, but it has caused me to think about the cultural conditions of men's tears.

Graphic provided by the Good Men Project

Historically, men shedding tears didn't carry the stigma it does in the modern day.  There are biblical references to tears, samurai cried over tragedies, and even Abraham Lincoln knew how to strategically shed a tear for rhetorical effect.  The history of manhood does not come at the expense of tears. In fact, in some cultures, it was seen as honest for a principled man to cry as a sign of his disappointment with the world's spiritual failings.

Within the last century or so (I'm not a historian), the masculine ideal has been radically transformed.  In some corners it is no longer acceptable for a man to cry, even under the most extreme circumstances.  The stoic male has been elevated to an unsustainable standard, and many men feel trapped by the shaming feminization they receive as the result of having an honest and sincere moment.

In thinking about this topic, I stumbled upon "Mann on Men" at the website askmen.com.  First off, the website operates under the banner, "Become a Better Man."  This implies that the website is looking to make men into a better form of themselves, but I quickly drew offense to the type of man they were wanting me to become.  For instance, here's a gem I found in the article "Mann on Men: Crying":

"Women need to cry because it isn’t exactly ladylike to punch a hole in a wall. It’s the only way a woman can show real emotion and still remain a woman. Men can get physical. Men can break things. Sure it’s Neanderthal and barbaric, but it’s the way men do business."

My first thought was, "Is this for real?"  The list of offensive ideas in this segment almost outweigh the number of sentences in the segment itself.  I refuse to believe that the only real and legitimate outlet for a man's overwhelming emotions is violence and destruction.  This hyper-masculine ideal is poisonous to young men and, without the help of a real mentor or role model, causes many perfectly well-adjusted boys to begin to self-shame when they have an emotion that might threaten to overwhelm them.  It's hard to believe that violence and destruction, even if aimed at inanimate objects, is seen as being less "costly" to a man's well-being than the honest expression of an emotion.

Breaking down at my uncle's service.  Can't point the finger and absolve myself at the same time.

Mr. Mann goes on to offer a neat little trick that should help those men caught in a weak moment from allowing their emotions to get away from them.  He writes:

"Disconnect from everything emotional and take big, deep breaths. If that doesn’t work, picture the hottest broad you’ve ever been with buck naked on roller skates. If that don’t cheer you up, you’ve got a rough spot ahead."

Sage advice, right?  I love how the ideas of violence and sex are the only two ways in which a man can come to control himself.  This advice is about as dated as "think about baseball during sex to avoid orgasm."  Men have to come to understand that they are allowed to be complete and whole beings with a rich emotional life.  Just because they are men does not close the door on the entirety of the emotional spectrum.  In fact, it is my belief that we need to allow them even greater access to it in order to avoid emotional disorders that are sometimes more often associated with masculinity like violence and substance abuse.

Now, does this mean that men should cry at the drop of a hat?  No, I don't think anyone, male or female, should cry at every possible situation that causes discomfort or emotional distress.  We are all required to comport ourselves with a degree of composure.  Crying isn't masculine or feminine, it simply is a part of being an emotional creature.  In researching different aspects of masculine crying, I ran into this guy again.  I enjoy his satirical take on the issue.  In fact, I don't think it even needs to be all that serious of an issue.  I think we can have a good time and still address the stereotypes that constrict masculinity in a positive way.

In that way, I turn you over to two of my favorite comedians, The Flight of the Conchords:

In the end, I think men and women should allow themselves permission to cry in emotionally overwhelming situations.  We all bear the responsibility of maintaining our own emotional well-being, and sometimes that means having a good cry.  Don't let the shamers get you down, but, also, don't let your emotions get away from you either.  As with most things, there is an appropriate middle ground we all need to strive for.