Being asked to officiate someone's wedding or funeral is a wonderful honor, one that is deserving of a degree of decorum and intention. As such, here are a few tips for those of you who may find yourself in the same position, or simply giving a toast/eulogy at one of these services.
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| A Family Letter to the Bride |
Do your research. It is easy to think that you have a solid grasp on the people/person you will be honoring with your words. But I warn against assuming too much. Even when I performed my brother and sister-in-law's wedding, I sat down with the two of them and interviewed them about their relationship, about how they met, and what they hoped for from their wedding vows. It's easy to think you have people pegged, but this is one of the most precious days of their lives.
If you are performing a funeral service or giving a eulogy, it is especially important to interview the survivors. They may have specific things they would like you to highlight over the course of the ceremony and it is critically important to respect the wishes of the survivors in order to accomplish the mission of the day.
2. Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help
When I prepare a wedding ceremony, I turn to several titles for inspiration. I use the books Weddings from the Heart: Contemporary and Traditional Ceremonies for an Unforgettable Wedding, Into the Garden: A Wedding Anthology, and Words for Your Wedding: The Wedding Service Book. A person does not need to feel like they need to go it alone. There are a lot of conventions of weddings that are helpful to observe. Without having ever performed in this capacity, it would be hard to discover these conventions on your own. There are many ways one can observe the conventions of a wedding without being traditional too, so you don't need to feel like these resources need to be confining.
I have often needed these resources in the process of getting started. Once I get the general framework of a wedding ceremony written, or the gist of a celebratory toast, then I'm off to the races, but beginnings are hard and I need some inspiration at times to get myself going. Sometimes it is simply a well written phrase that snaps the couple into focus. Sometimes it is simply a poem or a story. Whatever that piece of inspiration is, use every resource available to you to find it. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it.
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| My Friends Ty and Britani's Wedding |
3. Find the Centerpiece
Every ceremony I have ever performed, whether it is a wedding or a funeral has found a centerpiece. For me, the centerpiece is the central idea, the main sentiment you want to leave people with. It is also usually the last thing I discover in the process of drafting the early ceremony. I can work on a rough draft of a ceremony for a long time, writing and rewriting sections for what feels like days, but it never even begins to feel complete or whole until I find the centerpiece.
Sometimes it is a poem that snaps things into focus for me. Sometimes I simply need to write and rewrite until I capture a specific aspect of the couple's relationship, or the person's life, that feels right and true. Once I have this centerpiece, the rest of the ceremony is written around it. Most of the time this is an aggravating process because I want to get down to the business of rehearsing, of polishing the ceremony, but it is important to sit back and wait for that moment of clarity, that moment when you see the arc of the ceremony, the trajectory of the person's life, and manage to capture a piece of it in words.
The thematic centerpiece can be the most elusive element of the officiating task, but it is also the piece that will make the ceremony memorable to the audience and special to the people involved. There's no real way around it. It must be found.
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| The Happy Couple - My Brother and Sister-In-Law. Picture by Jeff Lockhart |
4. Balance
Almost everyone I know has attended the wedding or funeral where the officiant has taken an altogether solemn tone. When dealing with a funeral, one expects it, but I have seen it take place at a wedding too. Both events are solemn in their nature and deserve the respect of an officiant who understands the day's importance, but there are other sides to life, to marriage, even to death, and the officiant would do well to incorporate a degree of balance into any service they perform.
It can be easy to find the levity in a wedding, the comedic story in the life of a new couple. Awkward first dates are ripe with material, sometimes proposal stories provide the necessary lightheartedness. A groom's nervousness when approaching the institution of marriage can lead to a belly laugh as long as it is not embarrassing to the man's pride. The blushing bride's initial apprehension of the young man she learned to eventually love can also be great material.
It can be harder to find the levity in a funeral, but I would argue that it is almost more important in this situation. When we say goodbye to our loved ones, we need to have a break from the weight of our grief. The best way I know how to do this is to capture a moment that shows the lighter side of life. I have almost always found this moment in the interview process with the family.
I can't remember where I heard it, but I remember getting writing advice concerning dark subject matter. What the person told me was that a reader can only sustain a certain amount of trauma before they will put the book down in search of a break. If an author doesn't provide that break, that moment of levity or humor, then a reader will abandon them. The same holds true of the attendees at a funeral. Find a way to provide them a little relief from their grief. Find a way to provide them some small comfort, even if it is only by providing a brief moment where they can smile or chuckle.
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| My Brother and Sister-In-Law's Wedding. Picture by Jeff Lockhart. |
5. Enjoy Yourself
Like I said earlier, it is easy to get caught up in the solemnity of the event, to take yourself too seriously. The reason you've been tapped, more often than not with non-religious officiants, is because you have some relationship to the couple (in the case of weddings) or the deceased (in the case of funerals). It is a grand honor, and you should revel in it.
Even with funerals, I enjoy officiating the service. Yes, it is a hard task, and, yes, I often break down and cry in public, but I still enjoy what it is I do. I get the chance to say goodbye to a loved one. I get to find the words that will send them off into the next phase of existence, no matter what you think that might be. I enjoy this moment, and I make sure to feel it when I officiate funerals. Many people keep their grief bottled up inside, but I am provided the opportunity to let mine go, to send it out into the world, and, maybe, to allow someone else to get a little closer to their own grief. Not a bad day's work. So, when I say to "enjoy yourself," that's what I mean when it comes to funerals.
Weddings are much, much easier to have fun with. Make jokes, dance, have a ball. That's what weddings are for. They are an affirmation of life and the ceremony should be a reflection of this. The ceremony should send the couple into the next phase of their life with a sense of joy and affirmation. Make sure you bring that to the table when you are putting together your portions of the ceremony.
If you pull it off, if you relax and have fun with the couple, then you are giving them a gift of a memorable wedding day. You slow down time for a moment by allowing your words to wash over them, and you make them take stock, if only for a moment, of what the day means. Then, you launch them out into the world to discover what life will bring them. It's a fabulous place to stand,a fabulous view, when the bride and groom turn to face their family and friends, and you get to announce them for the first time as a married couple. I've done it almost 17 times now, and I don't think that part ever gets old. So, make sure to take the time to enjoy yourself in that moment. If you are having fun, odds are so is everyone else.
These are just a few things I try and think about before I head into a funeral or a wedding. I hope you find them useful. These ideas have gotten me through 17 weddings and a handful of funerals. I learn more and more with each one, so this may not be my last word on this issue.
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