Your text message came to me today from what seemed like the furthest reaches of the ether. I was sitting at my kitchen table grading purpose essays. Your kind and loving words caused a weird confluence of events that made me feel I needed to sit down and write this letter. Some explanation may be necessary.
First, the "purpose" essay I assigned my students had them writing about their personal "good". I asked them to tell me what they work toward, what they yearn to achieve that had to do with goodness, not ambition. I asked them to visualize their best selves. Then, I asked them to look at their real selves and write a letter to someone they trusted that laid out what they needed to do to actualize that potential in themselves.
Well, dude, you are my letter. By writing to me today and giving me encouragement, in combination with the essays I'd been reading, I felt I should write my own rough draft version of the purpose essay. So, here goes:
My life is a series of deadlines, responsibilities, and commitments. Most of those commitments originate in work but some come from the family. The good I seek in my life, and for the good of my family and friends (and students) is balance. I want to feel like I am giving attention where attention is due. I want to feel like I have the realms of work, family, friendship, and art well in balance. Right now I don't feel that way. I feel out of touch, askew even.
If I truly want to maintain this balance, I'm going to have to make some hard decisions and some compromises. The first of which is going to come in terms of how I grade. I am going to have to give a little bit less to my students in terms of feedback. I simply cannot maintain the level of output I've been giving them lately. This feels bad, wrong even, but it is the reality of the situation. I'm not giving up on them, quite the contrary, I'm fighting against myself to work in their favor, but the realities of time and energy are a constant battle that I must wage and there might be some casualties along the way.
Also, I want to be more deeply present when I am at home. I don't want to be eating dinner with my family or playing with them and feel like my mind is divided. I need to be better at compartmentalizing the way I think about work and my other commitments.
It may seem like a selfish goal...balance...but I think that everyone will win if I am in alignment with myself and my own capabilities. I must do this. I must do it for myself, my daughter, my wife, my students, and my art (which I didn't touch on here but value highly). This is my good. This is what I strive for. This is what I hope to one day come close to. I will not stop. I refuse to stop. I believe in it as my greatest good right now. I believe. That feels good to say. I believe.
I've attached a photo of the workspace I'm writing from. Cluttered, full of commitments, but presided over by a wonderful bouquet of fresh dahlias from my home town. Also note that tucked behind the flowers is a wonderful graphic novel Maus that is meant for my enjoyment and not work. I'm trying.
I love you, Jer. Thanks for inadvertently sending me down this road. You're a good friend. I'll see you soon.
Kyle
No comments:
Post a Comment