Personal Note: The Big Think

The last couple of days have found me in a personal pickle.  I've been presented with an opportunity to take my life in a new direction of sorts, or to at least pick one direction from amongst the many I'm working at any given time.  It's put me in an introspective space, a mindful insulated place where I don't know what my next move will be.

As such, I found myself feeling that old urge I get whenever I'm percolating a new idea/opportunity: the urge to drive!  After I got off work, I jumped in the truck and proceeded to drive around town.  I've always loved to drive, to take off and hit parts unknown, to drive on roads I'm unfamiliar with and get a little lost.  Although this time, I was drawn almost immediately to the McLoughlin Promenade.

In Oregon City, there is a 7+ acre linear park that runs along the ridge above downtown.  It's edged on one side by a sheer drop and on the other by businesses and historic homes.  It's a nice place to visit in the day, but it feels a bit dodgy at night.  I took the risk though.  For some reason, I needed to sit above downtown and gaze into the distance toward Portland.

It was a beautiful night.

The view from near the Oregon City elevator.

It was perfectly warm and spring was in the air.

Magnolia (?) tree near the elevator

I didn't necessarily come up with any great ideas, any real solutions to my dilemma, but I did find peace of mind and a spot for a quick ten minute meditation as I gazed out over the city lights of Portland twinkling in the distance.

It's important to take a moment to clear the mind before making any life-altering decisions.  A long drive, a meditative moment, or a good run are all good ways of centering oneself before committing to the fray.  I've made many a good decision as a result of these three techniques.  I'm hoping to keep using these techniques in the coming weeks as I begin to decide what it is I really want and how I am going to get there.

Life is a grand adventure, and these moments of decision, or real choice with real consequence, should be a reminder that it is so.  The fact that I find this decision so challenging is because it means I am invested in my life.  In many ways, that's all I've ever wanted.  It's the reason I write, the reason I read, the reason I love.  To quote some Yiddish from Fiddler on the Roof, "l'chaim." TO LIFE!

Pet Notes: Cat-astrophe 2014

Friends of ours are out of the country right now, and they've asked my mother-in-law to housesit/catsit their place while they are away.  My mother-in-law is great for this kind of thing.  You can't find a more responsible person than Betty.  She'll follow directions to the letter and she'll go above and beyond what people normally ask of her.  The directions didn't say anything about how to handle it if the cat decides to get itself stuck in a tree.

A couple of days ago, Betty let the cat out of the house as she's been instructed to do.  It didn't take long for her to notice the mewling coming from the large tree in the corner of the yard.  When she looked up, sure enough, Nutter Butter was perched about 50 feet up in the tree.  Betty and Shea called the cat for about an hour, trying to coax the animal from the tree, but to no avail.  The little thing wasn't taking the bait.

Betty and Shea pulled out the cat food, the treats, and everything they could think of to try and coax the poor thing down.  The family called around to the fire department (they don't do that kind of thing anymore), tree trimmers, and other animal rescue places, but they were greeted with a resounding, "We don't work on Sundays."  So, the cat was forced to spend what was probably a long, cold night perched up in the tree.  Tracy and I were unavailable, as were some of our other friends who Betty felt comfortable calling for help.  Nutter Butter couldn't have been pleased about this development.

We told Betty to leave the food out and maybe the cat would come down once it was hungry enough.  Apparently the cat had eaten a big dinner, for it didn't come down by this morning.  Betty called around to Tracy and I this morning for advice.  The animal rescue places had not returned her calls yet today.

Betty was meant to watch Shea while I finished my grading for the term and submitted grades.  As I had woken up early in the morning, I had completed grading one of my classes and decided to drive Shea over to Betty.

Before I left, knowing I wasn't going to leave the house without getting the cat down, I called my friend Pat who is an experienced tree trimmer for any advice in case he had run into a similar situation.  I was told to bring gloves, a towel, and a backpack.  If I could get close to the cat, I was to wrap it in a towel, put it in the backpack, and then descend the tree.  I was geared up and ready to go when I arrived at our friends' house.

I was lucky that our friends kept an extension ladder against the back of the house because the cat was UP THERE!  The poor little thing was breaking all of our hearts with her little mewling cries.  I braced the ladder up against the tree and began my ascent.

The intrepid tree-climber after his prey!

I sat on that ladder for about 30-40 minutes shaking a bag of cat treats while Nutter Butter slowly made his way down from branch to branch.  The poor thing trembled her way down from branch to branch, sometimes retreating back up the tree in pursuit of a better way to get down to me.  She mewled the whole time, exhausted, hungry, and thirsty, I'm sure.  After a couple of missteps and a couple of near disastrous moves, she finally came within arms reach.

I didn't want to snatch her up right away, so I fed her some of the cat treats from out of my hand.  She gobbled up the two handfuls I held out for her and was licking my hand free of the crumbs when I decided the moment was right.  Bracing myself against the tree, I reached over with my other hand (this is a big deal as I'm not a huge fan of heights and I'm now not holding on) and grabbed her by the neck.  Once, I had her securely in my grip, I held on with my other hand and went about heaving her up off her perch.

The cat did not want to come off that branch.  She dug her little claws in and didn't want to let go.  I was afraid that she would take a swing at me once I got her hands free, but once I pried her off the branch and had her resting against my side, she simply curled up there.  She didn't move or fight me at all once she felt she was secure against my side.  I need not have worried about the gloves and the backpack, for Nutter Butter seemed to understand what I was after.

I descended the ladder and got onto hard ground.  Nutter Butter squirmed in my grip a bit, wanting to get down on to the grass, but I wasn't about to let this cat loose in the yard again.  My mother-in-law had been too distraught about the poor cat's safety over the last night, so we marched back into the house as a triumphant team.

Shea bounced around me yelling, "Good job, Nutter Butter.  Good kitty!"

One exhausted kitty!

I don't know if house arrest is something that's ever been applied to a cat, but I have a feeling it is now.  To my traveling friends, Nutter Butter is safe, but she's not getting out again until you guys get home if Betty has anything to say about it.  Although, with the way she was acting, I don't think she'll be looking for a way out any time soon.

After my grandiose adventure, it was time to head back to grading.  One more stack of in-class essays and I was done for the term!  I think the adrenaline was a good thing though.  I've never been so alert as I read handwritten essays written by students!

Promise-ary Note: A New Fiction Piece and a New Promise

Even in the midst of finals week, I was able to pull off this week's promise.  I've been neck deep in essays, but flash fiction, much like poetry, doesn't have to have the long, enduring thought process of a novel project or one of my more typical short story length projects.  

I still had to come at the story three different times before it could be written though.  In fact, you may remember an earlier post about "writer's tools" some weeks back.  Inspiration was being being a stingy little minx this week with all the other concerns I had on my mind, so I had to turn to my writing notebook for some ideas.  A writer, or at least a writer who wants to make a lifestyle out of writing, doesn't have the luxury of waiting around for inspiration.  I can't simply sit there and while away an afternoon hoping that dirty seductress of Inspiration will strike.  Instead, I have to commit to an idea and charge ahead with the hopes that I will seduce Inspiration to follow me.

Inspiration is almost like the stereotype of the woman who loves bad boys.  She likes being chased, being sought after, being the object of the artist's desire, but if you really want a relationship with her, then you almost pay her no attention at all.  You simply march ahead with what you are doing and you'll soon find her at your elbow asking, "What are you doing?"  Or, in the midst of a juicy section, she'll suddenly appear and say, "Oooh, that's good, but what about?"  Sometimes paying no heed whatsoever to inspiration is the best way to be inspired.  It's kind of the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" method of calling down the muse.

So, I turned to my writer's notebook and found a note from years ago when my wife's coworker told us about Craigslist personals.  That was it.  That was the idea.  My prompt became, "Write a story about a guy waiting for his Craigslist personal ad hookup in a mutually anonymous location."  I was intrigued by the idea of the illicit hookup and what the mindset must be in the moments before falling into the arms of an anonymous stranger.  It's rough, but it exists on paper.  That's the hardest part for me.  Once it exists on paper, then I can play with the form, the sentences, the words, etc.  

Unlike Inspiration, Revision is a stable companion, a loving partner, and I can count on her to show up every time I sit with a page full of words.  Sometimes it is hard for me to quiet her down so I can focus, but we have a longstanding and loving relationship.

So, mission accomplished...promise fulfilled.

This week's promise is going to be a good one, and it comes just in time as I've cleared my schedule for some private time with my wife already.

While some of you may be saying, "Gross, Kyle, I don't want to know about that."  I'd like to state that intimacy is a big word and doesn't only translate to the bedroom.  There is emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and physical intimacy.  They are all important, and I plan on trying to focus on all aspects of the word.  I'm excited to spend some quality time with my wife.  She's been killing it lately and I'm sure I haven't heard all she has to say about what's been going on with her.  I drew this last night, and while Tracy slept I hatched a couple of plans for this weekend.  It should be fun.

Brother Notes: Kerry's Leaving on a Jet Plane!

My brother Kerry recently got a promotion that is relocating him to Central Oregon.  While it is a mere three hours away, this is a big move for our family.  Everyone in our family has such a busy schedule already, and a three hour commute provides some specific challenges in terms of how often we are going to see him.  As such, I thought I would take a moment to describe some of my favorite Kerry moments.

1. His Dancing:

If you have never had the opportunity to see my brother dance, then you are missing out on one of the most fundamentally joyful experiences life has to offer.  For a while there was even a dance named after him.  It was called "The Bear," and anyone who knew Kerry from high school until know is probably familiar with it.  Put your hands side by side out in front of you, but still above your head, and move them in small circles while convulsing your butt like you're having a seizure.  This is the move.  That's it.  End of moves.

My brother and my sister-in-law at their wedding.  Breaking it DOWN!

While the photo isn't an exact replica of "The Bear," it gives you a fairly close approximation.  When my brother dances, I can't help but feel that all is well in the world.

2. His Intensity:

To experience my brother's intensity, all one needs to do is attend a sporting event with him.  If said sporting event could feature the Oregon Ducks or the Boston Red Sox, then you are almost assured of seeing what I'm about to describe.

My brother is the one in the front and center.  Creepy eyes! Photo courtesy of Robin Miller

My brother loves his teams so much that he lives vicariously through them.  Their successes are his, and their losses are also his.  When a good play goes down and my brother starts slapping together those giant ham hocks for hands he's got, then you are sure to experience the thundering echo that serves as his round of applause.  Beware!  You don't want to be too near him when this phenomenon occurs for you might experience the telltale ringing in your ears that represents hearing loss.

The ham hocks in motion.  Photo courtesy of Amanda Rice.

To say my brother wears his heart on his sleeve is an understatement.  His passion for his sports teams cannot be contained, and this is, mostly, simply a symptom of how he lives his life more broadly.  My brother is a wunderkind of intensity.  He works hard, he plays hard, he loves hard, and his is one of the most intensely loyal people you will ever meet.

Kerry and Amy at Fenway Park.  Photo courtesy of Amy Lang.

It is one of his most endearing qualities.  If you don't want a friend for life, then don't make friends with my brother.  He's not a fickle man.  He's an in-it-to-win-it kind of guy, an all-in type of player, and even if he loses here and there on the gamble of a new friend, he's always willing to turn around and do it again.  That level of belief in the fundamental goodness of others is something we could all emulate a little bit.  My brother shoots straight, tells it like it is, and assumes that others will do the same for him.  For some, it is a little bit too intense, for others, it's just right, and they can immediately see the value in having someone like Kerry in their lives.

3. His Sense of Humor:

This portion of the post is best represented through pictures:

Kerry as Beyonce ala "Single Ladies"? Photo courtesy of Robin Miller.

Big kid failing his "sexy chair" test.

About a second away from a spit take! Photo courtesy of Kent Hawes.

3D Nerds at Home. Photo courtesy of Robin Miller.

4. His Calming Influence on Me

My brother, even when he is picking on me, is a calming effect in my life.  He reminds me of who I am, where I come from, and how I'll always have an ally in any fight I'm passionate enough to join.  Even when I haven't seen him for a long time (which happens more than I like to admit), we usually fall back into our same old patterns pretty quickly, and there is a deep and soulful peace that comes from that.

My brother has a bad habit of sticking his finger toward my eye and waggling it around with the required, "I'm not touching you."  He does more often than is probably appropriate for a middle-aged man (yes, Kerry, it's true), and although I roll my eyes and sigh with frustration at him, I know that this simple gesture is a loving one.  It may be that the gesture is loving because he "loves" to get a rise out of me, but that's only because it is nice to get your loved ones riled up.  It's nice to know that you still have an effect on them, even as I approach his current middle-aged status (Not there yet!).

I'm going to miss my brother, even in this day of constant electronic contact.  A finger-waggling "I'm not touching you" over Skype just isn't the same thing.  While I love Central Oregon and will work hard to get over there as much as possible, there will be an absence in the valley now that he's taking his thunderous clapping ham hocks over the Cascades.

I'll miss you, Kerry, but I'll see you soon.

Nerd Notes: Why I Can't Wait for "Guardians of the Galaxy"

On August 1st of this year, Marvel Studios will release the film Guardians of the Galaxy.  This excites me.  While I know collective American culture is probably groaning at the idea of a new "superhero" flick, I don't think that is what Guardians is getting set to offer up.  I think many people will be surprised at how "non-superhero-y" this film is going to play.  This film is setting itself up to be more of a space opera in the vein of Star Wars more so than a costumed do-gooder flick in the vein of Man of Steel.

There are many reasons this movie will do well and causes me to rewatch the trailer over and over again.  I'll try to lay them out below.

1. If Guardians of the Galaxy does well at the box office, then the floodgates could potentially be thrown open to the cinematic inclusion of lesser known properties within the Marvel/DC universes.  Even more exciting than that is the idea that even independent comic book properties will get an eyeball from studios.  Marvel and DC aren't the only companies who produce comics, and the idea that a lesser known property like Guardians could achieve box office success gives a chance to properties like...

SAGA!

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FABLES! (Although technically published under an imprint of DC)

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THE UNDERWATER WELDER!

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Or even, X-Factor, a lesser known brand in the X-men family.

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2. The success of Guardians might also make audiences realize that comics are just as diverse as "traditional" novels and other forms of publication.  There is nonfiction, fiction, sci-fi, fantasy, adult fiction, children's comics, etc.  The potential for the medium of comics to tell stories is unlimited.  So, when I see a comic book property have the chance to have real success on the big screen, I get a little excited that comics might come out with a couple of new fans.

For those of you who are skeptical about the potential of comics to tell real and gritty stories that even adults can love, there have already been several successful adaptations of comic books/graphic novels that many people don't realize were based on comics source material.  Let me provide you with a few quick examples.

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3. For a new generation of kids, it will inspire them to create new and novel science fiction.  I remember being a child and loving the Star Wars films.  This lead to Star Trek: The Next Generation, which, in turn, led to comics, which led to Phillip K. Dick, Ray Bradbury, Neal Stephenson, Paolo Bacigalupi, and many, many other sources of fantastic narrative sci-fi.

We live in a world where real concrete science is absolutely stimulated by science fiction, so it goes without saying that we should be getting some good entertaining science fiction in front of our tweens and teens.  There's no telling where it could lead them.

Some may argue that it will lead them to their parents' basement collecting rare statuettes and limited edition comic book covers while they argue the merits of Klingon grammar, but I see the potential in science fiction to inspire creative scientific minds to think beyond the boundaries of what is possible.  A film like Guardians of the Galaxy has that potential, even if it comes in a glossy package that makes us wonder if it is really good for us.

In the end, I can only say...come ON, pictures like the ones below are cool!

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There's my two cents on the issue.  I hope to see you all at the movies.

Father Notes: Getting Kids to Eat

I've just got done having "the" encounter with my daughter.  She didn't eat her dinner last night, choosing instead to go to bed early.  I was at the restaurant working, so I had no idea any of this was happening until I got done with work and checked my phone.  My wife had sent me a text to give me the heads up about what my morning would look like.  These are never fun.

My wife giving me a heads up.

While we almost never have to do it, we've had a couple of encounters with Shea refusing a meal.  The rule in our house is: if you don't eat it for dinner, you get it for breakfast.  If you don't eat it for breakfast, you get it for lunch.  You can see the trend here.

I was ready for the morning, even waking up a couple of minutes early in order to get the day started.  I figured there would be some initial resistance, but Shea usually caves once she realizes I'm serious about holding true to my promise.

Today was a bit different.  Shea was bargaining, playing the "I'm going to throw up" card, and even having an emotional breakdown at the table.  It was a mess.

Let me give you a bit of background on the situation first though.  Shea asked her mother to make the soup.  It wasn't that Tracy and I had cooked up liver and onions and were forcing her to eat it.  In that situation, she is required to take three bites and then she doesn't have to eat any more.  This situation was a bit different, so the rules are different.  We tell Shea that if she asks for something, then she has to eat it.  She doesn't have to finish it, for we are not "clean plate" parents, but she has to give a valiant attempt at eating whatever she has requested.  This is the reason we are being firm with her.  She asked for the soup.  Tracy made the soup FOR HER.  To turn her nose up at it once it has materialized is something we don't think is okay at our house.

So, it's 7:30 in the morning and Shea is sitting in front of her Broccoli Cheese soup.  She's cried, she's bargained, and she's threatened to get sick on the floor.  I'm standing firm.  At one point, Shea says, "It just smells so bad."

"OK," I say, "Plug your nose and eat."

"I can't do both," she says, trying to plug her nose with one hand while giving a halfhearted effort to scoop soup from the bowl.

"Here you go," I say, producing a small plastic clip from a kitchen utility drawer.  "Use this."  The girl actually put the clip on her nose.  I couldn't help myself, so I snapped a quick picture.

Nose Clip Soup

It didn't work as well as she hoped, but she got a good five bites in before I let her off the hook.  She's a good girl, but sometimes you simply have to put your foot down and make sure they understand that the rules are there for a reason, that you are not willing to compromise on everything, and that they won't be able to negotiate themselves out of things they've gotten themselves into.

In the end, it is "just soup."  I know this, but at the same time, we need to have some kind of principles that we enforce in our house, and I don't think this one is an unreasonable one.  If you ask for something to eat, you eat it.  Seems pretty cut and dried to me, but it begins to feel ridiculous when the child is in the middle of a tantrum and you can feel your blood boiling.  At that point, it isn't about soup.  It is about parenting and principle.  My daughter wanted to get away with something, and Tracy and I weren't letting her.  Sorry, sweetheart.  Not today.

Shea's a wonderful girl, and I have no doubt that she'll be back to her perky self by the time school is in session, but it was a challenging morning.  We'll have a better afternoon as I've arranged some time for Shea to hang out with both my mother and me this afternoon.  Fingers crossed for a good attitude.  I'm hoping to see a girl who looks more like this:

Birthday Party Face Paint

Husband Notes: One Proud Spouse

In a marriage, it is easy to begin to assume certain things about your spouse.  After you've been together for a decade, you think you know the person better than they know themselves.  I was recently proved wrong in this regard, and I found myself swelling with pride at the person I thought I knew.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is amazing.  There is no doubt about that.  What surprised me though was a recent situation she had at work.  It's not my place to go into the details of the situation, but I can tell you this.  Tracy got the job done!!!

Tracy's work made a decision she didn't agree with. She took the risk and explained her point of view to the big bosses and they sided with her.  What surprised me is this: my wife isn't one for confrontation.  She isn't one to buck rank and go against the higher ups.  She believes in hard work and she'll put her head down and get the job done if they ask her to do so.  This time she surprised us all and stood up for what she believed to be a better corporate decision.

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And that's where my lovely wife won the day.

She went to the big bosses with perfectly logical and well-reasoned explanations for why they should reverse their course of action.  She framed her point of view in terms of the company's bottom line and operational capacities, and the big bosses backed her up all the way.  Not only did they side with her decision, but they took extra action that eased the workload on my wife.

She did all of this while remaining calm, focused, and determined.  She amazes me, and I'm proud to call her my wife.  I know my wife, but there are still moments where she catches me off guard and shows me that she's still got some tricks up her sleeve.  She's still got that feminine mystery that keeps me coming back for more.

When she's all strong and confident like this?  Well, that girl is HOT!

Promise-ary Note: Promise #10

For those of you unfamiliar with my 52 promises project, you can read more about it here.

I've almost made it a through a quarter of the way through the year, which is better than I normally do with my New Year's resolutions.  I'll admit that having a promise a week can be a bit stressful at times.  It puts a bit of pressure on me to actively work to improve myself, which is the point of the project, the point of New Year's resolutions for most of us.  It's been difficult to keep up with the time frames some times, but I'm working to keep up and actively finding the space in my schedule to be true to the promises I make.

This week is a writer's promise.  I don't often make time for my fiction, which is my love, and I need to improve in this regard.  I always need to improve in this regard.  So, I promise to work on a flash fiction piece this week.

For those of you unfamiliar with flash fiction, it is a short-short story.  The definitions vary, but I usually hold myself to 1000 words or less when I am working to create a piece of this nature.  I have a tendency to write longer stories, so 1000 is a tight fit for me.  500 might be a unique and interesting challenge, but I think I will go easy on myself and work within the 1000 word guideline.

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Wish me luck.  This things usually start with a piece of dialogue for me, so good thing I'm working at the bar tonight.  There should be plenty of opportunities to eavesdrop!

If the idea of flash fiction intrigues you, then here are some examples:

Katey Schultz - Paddy the Albino 
Bruce Holland Rogers - Divestiture
Amy Hempel - The Rememberer
Neil Gaiman - Down to a Sunless Sea

Promise-ary Note: Stranger Found, Mission Accomplished

So I learned that 8:30 in the morning is not grocery store prime time.  I left the house this morning with the idea that I would buy groceries for someone today.  I didn't just want to give someone money, and I wanted to be generous in a way that was truly helpful to someone, so I went first to the Grocery Outlet in Oregon City.

For some reason, I've always considered this store a lower end store, and I thought I might find someone there who was really on a tight budget, trying to make ends meet.  Understand that I am basing all of this on appearance and assumption, and I also know that you can't judge a book by its cover.  I know that the way someone looks won't necessarily reflect their socio-economic status, so forgive me for judging people this way, but I thought it would be okay to decide who would get my money, even if I didn't know them personally.  The store was dead, so I moved on.

I went to Safeway in Oregon City because it was the closest grocery store to Grocery Outlet.  Much the same.  The store was dead and I didn't find anyone that I was "dying" to give my money to there.  I moved on.

I wound up at Fred Meyer's in Oregon City.  The store was much busier, and I had plenty of people to choose from.  When I left Safeway, I asked myself, "Who are you looking for?"  As I thought about it, I realized I wanted to give my money to a young family or an older man/woman.  I wanted to help out those starting their families or the elderly.  Those were the shoppers I was looking for.  So I began wandering the store.

Let me just say that I felt a bit like a creeper wandering the store and eyeing up the customers.  I walked up and down the front and back of the store looking for candidates.  I found two mothers, each with two kids, and an older woman.  Each of them also had enough stuff in their carts that my $50 would probably only put a dent in their overall grocery bill, or just cover it.

Finally, in produce, I stumbled upon this woman (again, I felt like a creeper taking this picture.)  She had a cart of groceries, most of them produce and healthy options, and a two twin boys sitting in the cart.  She was in sweats with her hair in a ponytail, and she had that look on her face that I instantly recognized.  She was a stay-at-home parent of two young kids (maybe 9 months to a year), and she was tired.  I instantly wanted to give her the money, but I didn't want to make a scene about it.  So I went to the checkstands and began flipping through magazines.  Again, the feeling of being a creepy stalker guy overtook me.  Am I weird for feeling this way?  I'm trying to do something nice for someone at random, but I couldn't help but feel like a weird-pervy guy.

When the woman finished shopping, I went to the far side of the checkstand, interrupted the checker and handed her the $50.  I asked if she would apply it to the bill of the next person in line, the woman from produce.  The checker looked at me and asked if she was my wife.  I told her she wasn't and her eyebrow raised at me.  I didn't give her a chance to say anything further as I didn't want the produce woman to really see me, so I walked away without another word.

I walked to the far side of the store, all the way over to hardware and browsed around for a while to kill some time.  I wanted to ask the checker what the woman's reaction was, but I didn't want to get caught by the woman or to feel like the creepy stalker guy.

When I finally approached the checker, she broke into a smile when she saw me.  "You'll never guess what her total came to."

"No way," I said.

"Fifty-one dollars and five cents."

"That's funny."

"Why did you do it?" the checker asked.

"Because I promised I would be generous to a stranger this week.  Thanks for helping me out."

"Thank you," she said with a smile.

It made my day.

Promise-ary Note: Off to Find My Stranger

I've got $50 in my pocket and I'm off to find one lucky stranger.

Man Notes: Why Is She Apologizing for Him?

Last night I had a casual conversation with my wife where she relayed a story that happened to a friend of hers.  She told me about this person's work situation.  Apparently, there is a man in this woman's IT department who likes to make advances at the women in his organization.  He is a married man and he is apparently "equal opportunity" in the women he flirts with.  My wife knows the guy too, but she hasn't had the same experiences with him that her friend has had.  In talking to my wife about this guy, it made me wonder after the way she and her friend were handling the situation.

Image taken from behindthebasics.blogspot.com

The main thing that bothered me was this: my wife and her friend both seemed to repeat the following phrase, "He's a nice guy and all, but he just won't take no for an answer."

What?!

No, I'm sorry.  The man is not a "nice guy."  From the sounds of some of the advances he's put forward, advances that include those towards happily married women, this guy is a creep.  Over the course of the conversation, it was said that other women in the workplace had received similar treatment from this guy.  Also, other ladies in the office warned my wife's friend away from meeting the guy in private.  Apparently, when this guy has a couple of drinks, he has the tendency to get a little "kissy."

I'm not sure what this phenomenon is, but I find it unsettling.  Here is a group of confident women in a professional workplace who seem to be tolerating a man who engages in regular sexual harassment.  Why is that?  I asked my wife why she seemed to be making excuses for this guy.  She hadn't experienced the behavior herself, but she knew her friend had.  I'm not trying to skewer my wife, or to say that she did something wrong.  On the contrary, I'm trying to understand the phenomenon.  Why do women put up with the behavior of these men?

My theory, and it could be TOTALLY off base here, is that women get accustomed to this type of behavior and write it off.  In addition, we culturally shame those brave women who come forward with allegations of sexual harassment.  I've seen the coverage of these trials before, dating all the way back to when I was a teenager and it was the Clarence Thomas case.  It was so clear that the world's attention was pegged to Anita Hill.  The burden lay so squarely on her shoulders in that case.  Her accusations became the cause of a million running gags about pubes on the Coke can and Long Dong Silver.  I had to look up Anita Hill's name to remember it specifically, but I didn't have to look up the reference to the Coke can or Long Dong Silver.  The jokes that surrounded those two details of the case remain engrained in me, but the woman's name does not.  What does that say about me?  About our culture?

Image provided by the Washington Post

I think about my daughter in these situations.  I think about my wife.  I wonder how I can help them understand that there is no reason they need to tolerate unwarranted and inappropriate sexual advances from men.  They don't need to make excuses for them, or write off their behavior as "boys being boys."  They don't need to look to the silver lining in a man's personality when trying to find a way to work with someone who is otherwise inappropriate.

I don't have an answer to any of this, which frustrates me.  This post feels wholly incomplete, like it is simply a rant against an institution that seems, at times, unmovable, but I have to believe that there has to be a solution either in training men to NOT engage in this type of behavior or in giving women the power to stop it without the risk of "shame" falling on them for being a whistleblower.

I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this issue in the comments below.  Any advice for this man?

Official Notes: Kyle's 5 Tips to Officiating a Service

In the year 2003, I got ordained online.  My friends Amy and Dudley were getting married and they had asked me to officiate.  In Montana, there is a law where anybody can marry one couple one time.  I figure this is a law left on the books from the days of traveling pastors.  If you had a shotgun wedding situation on your hands, you couldn't wait for a holy man to roll through town.  People had to get to the business of marrying.  Not trusting my friends' comprehension of the law, I decided to get ordained online in order to make sure it was official.  My life has not been the same since.  Little did I know, this decision would wind up being one of the most formidable of the last decade.

Being asked to officiate someone's wedding or funeral is a wonderful honor, one that is deserving of a degree of decorum and intention.  As such, here are a few tips for those of you who may find yourself in the same position, or simply giving a toast/eulogy at one of these services.

A Family Letter to the Bride

1. Prepare.  

Do your research.  It is easy to think that you have a solid grasp on the people/person you will be honoring with your words.  But I warn against assuming too much.  Even when I performed my brother and sister-in-law's wedding, I sat down with the two of them and interviewed them about their relationship, about how they met, and what they hoped for from their wedding vows.  It's easy to think you have people pegged, but this is one of the most precious days of their lives.

If you are performing a funeral service or giving a eulogy, it is especially important to interview the survivors.  They may have specific things they would like you to highlight over the course of the ceremony and it is critically important to respect the wishes of the survivors in order to accomplish the mission of the day.

2. Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help

When I prepare a wedding ceremony, I turn to several titles for inspiration.  I use the books Weddings from the Heart: Contemporary and Traditional Ceremonies for an Unforgettable Wedding, Into the Garden: A Wedding Anthology, and Words for Your Wedding: The Wedding Service Book.  A person does not need to feel like they need to go it alone.  There are a lot of conventions of weddings that are helpful to observe.  Without having ever performed in this capacity, it would be hard to discover these conventions on your own.  There are many ways one can observe the conventions of a wedding without being traditional too, so you don't need to feel like these resources need to be confining.

I have often needed these resources in the process of getting started.  Once I get the general framework of a wedding ceremony written, or the gist of a celebratory toast, then I'm off to the races, but beginnings are hard and I need some inspiration at times to get myself going.  Sometimes it is simply a well written phrase that snaps the couple into focus.  Sometimes it is simply a poem or a story.  Whatever that piece of inspiration is, use every resource available to you to find it.  There is no shame in asking for help when you need it.

My Friends Ty and Britani's Wedding

3. Find the Centerpiece

Every ceremony I have ever performed, whether it is a wedding or a funeral has found a centerpiece.  For me, the centerpiece is the central idea, the main sentiment you want to leave people with.  It is also usually the last thing I discover in the process of drafting the early ceremony.  I can work on a rough draft of a ceremony for a long time, writing and rewriting sections for what feels like days, but it never even begins to feel complete or whole until I find the centerpiece.

Sometimes it is a poem that snaps things into focus for me.  Sometimes I simply need to write and rewrite until I capture a specific aspect of the couple's relationship, or the person's life, that feels right and true.  Once I have this centerpiece, the rest of the ceremony is written around it.  Most of the time this is an aggravating process because I want to get down to the business of rehearsing, of polishing the ceremony, but it is important to sit back and wait for that moment of clarity, that moment when you see the arc of the ceremony, the trajectory of the person's life, and manage to capture a piece of it in words.

The thematic centerpiece can be the most elusive element of the officiating task, but it is also the piece that will make the ceremony memorable to the audience and special to the people involved.  There's no real way around it.  It must be found.

The Happy Couple - My Brother and Sister-In-Law.  Picture by Jeff Lockhart

4. Balance

Almost everyone I know has attended the wedding or funeral where the officiant has taken an altogether solemn tone.  When dealing with a funeral, one expects it, but I have seen it take place at a wedding too.  Both events are solemn in their nature and deserve the respect of an officiant who understands the day's importance, but there are other sides to life, to marriage, even to death, and the officiant would do well to incorporate a degree of balance into any service they perform.

It can be easy to find the levity in a wedding, the comedic story in the life of a new couple.  Awkward first dates are ripe with material, sometimes proposal stories provide the necessary lightheartedness.  A groom's nervousness when approaching the institution of marriage can lead to a belly laugh as long as it is not embarrassing to the man's pride.  The blushing bride's initial apprehension of the young man she learned to eventually love can also be great material.

It can be harder to find the levity in a funeral, but I would argue that it is almost more important in this situation. When we say goodbye to our loved ones, we need to have a break from the weight of our grief.  The best way I know how to do this is to capture a moment that shows the lighter side of life.  I have almost always found this moment in the interview process with the family.

I can't remember where I heard it, but I remember getting writing advice concerning dark subject matter.  What the person told me was that a reader can only sustain a certain amount of trauma before they will put the book down in search of a break.  If an author doesn't provide that break, that moment of levity or humor, then a reader will abandon them.  The same holds true of the attendees at a funeral.  Find a way to provide them a little relief from their grief.  Find a way to provide them some small comfort, even if it is only by providing a brief moment where they can smile or chuckle.

My Brother and Sister-In-Law's Wedding.  Picture by Jeff Lockhart.

5. Enjoy Yourself

Like I said earlier, it is easy to get caught up in the solemnity of the event, to take yourself too seriously.  The reason you've been tapped, more often than not with non-religious officiants, is because you have some relationship to the couple (in the case of weddings) or the deceased (in the case of funerals).  It is a grand honor, and you should revel in it.

Even with funerals, I enjoy officiating the service.  Yes, it is a hard task, and, yes, I often break down and cry in public, but I still enjoy what it is I do. I get the chance to say goodbye to a loved one.  I get to find the words that will send them off into the next phase of existence, no matter what you think that might be.  I enjoy this moment, and I make sure to feel it when I officiate funerals.  Many people keep their grief bottled up inside, but I am provided the opportunity to let mine go, to send it out into the world, and, maybe, to allow someone else to get a little closer to their own grief.  Not a bad day's work.  So, when I say to "enjoy yourself," that's what I mean when it comes to funerals.

Weddings are much, much easier to have fun with.  Make jokes, dance, have a ball.  That's what weddings are for.  They are an affirmation of life and the ceremony should be a reflection of this.  The ceremony should send the couple into the next phase of their life with a sense of joy and affirmation.  Make sure you bring that to the table when you are putting together your portions of the ceremony.

If you pull it off, if you relax and have fun with the couple, then you are giving them a gift of a memorable wedding day.  You slow down time for a moment by allowing your words to wash over them, and you make them take stock, if only for a moment, of what the day means.  Then, you launch them out into the world to discover what life will bring them.  It's a fabulous place to stand,a fabulous view, when the bride and groom turn to face their family and friends, and you get to announce them for the first time as a married couple.  I've done it almost 17 times now, and I don't think that part ever gets old.  So, make sure to take the time to enjoy yourself in that moment.  If you are having fun, odds are so is everyone else.


These are just a few things I try and think about before I head into a funeral or a wedding.  I hope you find them useful.  These ideas have gotten me through 17 weddings and a handful of funerals.  I learn more and more with each one, so this may not be my last word on this issue.

Promise-ary Note: Promise #9

The coming week will have me looking for a random stranger to whom I can be generous.  Many of my promises have to do with the people around me, in my community, and this one should be fun.  I can't wait to drop a bit of surprise generosity on a stranger.  There's nothing better than doing something for someone else when they don't expect it.  I can't wait to meet them.

Promise-ary Note: Making Connections and Writing Letters

My task for the week was to write 3 letters.  I struggled to think of who I should write the letters to, but I eventually figured it out through a series of events that seemed to deliver the recipients to me.

The first person I was sure would be a recipient was Devan Silva.  He was the one who claimed the long box of comics for my last promise.  He's a former student of mine and a great guy.  As a result of the comics promise, we got to talking a little bit and I learned that he is going through a bunch of life changes.  He is approaching graduation, starting work on his senior thesis, and expecting a new baby.  All of this change reminded me of my own experience in grad school. When I was going through my own personal life transformation, I found a couple of men who wound up being personal mentors to me.  In my letter, I offer up my services as a mentor to this young man.  I hope I'm not stepping over my bounds with this letter, but I remember being overwhelmed when I was in Devan's similar situation.  As he works on his thesis (in creative writing and literature), I can offer support.  As he moves into the wholly new realm of fatherhood, I can offer support and advice.  I'm glad Devan appeared at the time that he did, and I'm hoping my letter is well received.

My friends Amy and Brandon at my wedding.

My second letter goes out to an old friend of mine.  I've lost track of this debonair fellow over the course of the last five years, but he's been in my mind a lot recently.  I can't say why he's been on my mind, but the last couple of weeks has had me wondering after him.  He's notoriously hard to get in touch with, so I sent a text message to the last active cell phone number I had for him.  Radio silence.  I did a Spokeo search and wound up finding his parents' phone number.  After talking with his mom for a bit, I wound up getting in touch with him, which was a pleasant surprise.  I love this guy and I can't wait to hear more from him.

The last recipient came about as a fated fluke.  My father, Tracy, Shea, and I went to have Chinese food the other night.  When we broke open our fortune cookies, Shea found this!!!

It was in the cards.  My final letter goes out to my little one.  I wrote her a note of encouragement, telling her how proud I was of her, and I hope she enjoys it.  Tracy offered to mail the letters for me, so they are tucked into her purse and going out in the mail tomorrow.  Mission accomplished.

With each of these letters, I found a way of connecting to someone who plays a role in my life, either big or small.  It was a great exercise in connection.  I enjoyed the process of writing out the letters on my yellow pad.  While the letters are not deep or poetic, they are a way of making a connection with someone who has made themselves known in my life.  That makes it all worth while to me.

Father Notes: Art Time

Our table covered with sketchpads, the nice Pentel markers, and colored pencils.

Last Sunday, my daughter asked if we could have family art time.  She's a little artist who likes to work in multi-media, incorporating paint, crayons, scraps of ribbon, cut up paper, and all sorts of other baubles into her artwork.  She loves it when we pull out the art supplies and get to work as a family.

The thing about how we do it, and the thing that I think is good for her, is that mommy and daddy have their own art supplies.  Tracy and I have our own spiral sketchpad, our own fine point markers, and our own charcoal pencils.  These are the more expensive art supplies, and Shea knows she'll get to use them if we have "family" art time.

I think it is important for Shea to see that her parents have these things.  It takes art out of the realm of being a childish pursuit and turns it into something that anyone can do at any age.  For me, I find it critical to teach children that art is a lifelong pursuit, not a childish whimsy.  I am not a fine artist.  Nor am I a professional painter, but I am someone who enjoys the pursuit of art, the challenge of it.  Art challenges parts of the brain (and the fine muscle control of the body) to do something it is unaccustomed to doing.  It is another way of thinking, of observing the world, of engaging the imagination.  It is an important method of interacting with the world, of being alive.

Shea and I spent the whole afternoon together making pictures.  After my first one, Shea started to emulate my picture, to mimic, and try her own hand at what I had done.  My picture inspired her to try new things with her own art in a safe way.  She tried to draw new things and worked with the "composition" of her picture in a new way as a result.  I was impressed with her willingness to try.

Shea's picture which mimics mine.

While she took individual elements from my picture, she made sure to make hers different.  She turned to me at one point and said, "See how your sun is behind your cloud?  Mine is separate."  She took the elements of my picture and started making it her own.  The hearts buried under the ground?  Those are lost jewels that haven't been found yet.  The waterfall is also flowing into a pond, not a lake, for a lake is big and her pond is small.  Each element had a story, a narrative behind it, a reason for being that began shaping a world around her picture.  Her art inspired a story, which is yet another way of thinking about the world, another way of knowing.

It is important to give our kids time to create, and to watch them see our own attempts at it.  Art isn't just giving your kids crayons at the restaurant so they will behave.  It is a pursuit worth dedicating an afternoon, an activity worth their attention and ours.  When was the last time you sat down and spent some creative time with your kids?  When was the last time you broke out the paints, the crayons, the clay, the play dough, or the pipe cleaners?  It may be time to engage them and yourself in a little artistic play time.  You'll never regret it.

And if you won't take it from me?  Here it is from the mouth of the girl herself.